Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, and Crypto-zoologist
August 2014 will be marked simultaneously by the most beneficent and respectively the most dreadful of all astrological aspects. So buckle the f**k up, buttercup!
The most dreadful astrological aspect will be the conjunction between Mars and Uranus, which will take place in Scorpio and whose effects can cover the entire month. The Mars-Uranus conjunction usually accompanies tough and violent events while supporting stubbornness, jealousy, hard feelings, revenge and obsessions. So avoid crack houses and all-you-can-eat buffets.
The most beneficent astrological aspect will be the conjunction between Venus and Jupiter, active especially in the second half of the month. The Venus-Jupiter conjunction will bear opportunities, optimism and benevolence. The conflicting effects of the two conjunctions can co-exist and can manifest in various fields of life. The most targeted will be fixed signs: Leo (shocking!), Scorpio (beware!), Aquarius (caution!) and Taurus (holy sh*t!). As a general feature, changes and novelty will be welcomed in August, especially for fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius), due to the good communication with Uranus. But watch out, fire signs in Uranus can usually mean trouble!
ARIES
Mars has left Aries’ house of couples after 8 months of mooching and slowing down the wifi. Now, Uranus has entered Aries’ house of love and eroticism, promising a year full of passion! Moreover: in August, Uranus will be joined by the Sun, Mercury and that weird dude in accounting, the later being precisely the ruler of Aries’ house of relationships. Therefore, a glorious month will be in store for you!
Also, thanks to the discovery of Uncle Hank’s cocaine stash he left in the guest room, you’ll have a lot of energy. You’ve recently started a period of approximately one year in which you’ll benefit from excellent physical resources, (hint: it’s that membership to Gold’s Gym you got suckered into) which you are advised to use in dynamic activities such as sport, dancing, swimming, hiking, etc.
Bedroom tip: Remember, nipple clamps are excellent for keeping nipples in place.
TAURUS
Like a hot chick alone at the end of the bar, August is a month that needs to be approached cautiously. The Mars-Saturn conjunction, which will take place in Taurus’ house of relationships, can bring a burdening atmosphere which will affect the relationships between Taurus people and their partners, and will force them to face some difficult situations beyond their control. No one is going to be able to agree on where to eat or what movie to see this month!
Due to a movement in Uranus, August will favor recharging your body with energy by contact with nature – so it will be recommended that you don’t miss any opportunity of going to the mountains or to the seaside, of relaxing somewhere in the countryside, or of spending several hours in a park or a garden. Spend as much time mowing lawns as possible. It is written in the stars for you to do this Taurus.
By the way if you get murdered by ninja assassins this month, it will probably be on a Monday or a Thursday or a Friday. Wednesdays should be ok.
GEMINI
In August, Gemini’s relationships will depend on words, will build around them, and will be nurtured by them. Buy as many Scrabble sets as you possibly can this month Gemini. Those letter tiles are your new children.
This August you’ll have a lot of work to do and sometimes you’ll feel that the burden is too big or that the problems you’ll have to deal with are too difficult, unpleasant, and tough. But sadly, the Ebola outbreak is now your mess to clean up. Get on it Gemini! That being said, August will require a lot of caution as regards health. The Mars-Uranus conjunction can cause troubles because it will be located precisely in Gemini’s house of diseases. The Mars-Uranus conjunction will tend to undermine your energy, to generate exhaustion and weak resistance to effort, and you will be accident-prone. Be very careful and wrap yourself in as much bubble wrap as you can get your hands on!
Bedroom tip: You need to change your safeword every three weeks for sercurity purposes. Make sure to have at least one capital letter and one number in it.
CANCER
After it accompanied you for one year, Jupiter left the sign of Cancer last month. It was a bittersweet goodbye and everywhere you look you’re reminded of Jupiter because the slob left most of his clothes in the bottom of your closet. The sentimental enthusiasm seems to have calmed down and the expectations of the relationship will come down back to reasonable sizes. However, August still has a lot to say. Uranus’ luck will be enhanced in August by the passing of the Sun, of Mercury and of Venus through Cancer’s house of money. There will be opportunities to raise your income, to find new sources of earning money, to get extra income, to receive gifts or other material advantages. I have this amazing kit that shows you everything you need to know. Simply mail me a money order for $30 and I will send it to you immediately. The tendency to spend will also increase so you’ll be recommended to conserve your economical spirit. Except for the thirty bucks you’re going to send me.
Bedroom tip: Role playing can help spice up your sex life, so pretend to be someone who is good at sex.
LEO
Jupiter entered the sign of Leo last month, where it will stay until August 2015. Jupiter tends to ask to crash at your place for a night but stay forever until your friends ask if you have a new roommate. Anyway, for one year, the Greater Benefic will lend you optimism, enthusiasm, chance and energy, but also a lot of sexual vigor and lust for adventure. If we also take into consideration the fact that Jupiter is the ruler of Leo’s house of love and eroticism, and Uranus is always up in the air somewhere, it is clear that you’ll have a year full of passion. So yeah Leo, you’re going to get totes STDs this year.
Jupiter’s transits through one’s sign are considered to be among the luckiest in one’s life. They widely open the gates to progress and bring opportunities which can contribute to advancement, enhancement and prosperity if well used. August will be a month that will promise a lot in this respect, so try to use your chance with both hands! There’ll be indeed some stress related to the family, parents, accommodation or properties, but no trouble can last as long as you have Jupiter and Uranus by your side.
Also Leo, I am sorry to tell you this, but Netflix is cheating on you with Hulu. Bummer. Sorry.
VIRGO
The first part of August will favor socialization, parties, get-togethers with friends, involvement with the work of an organization, participation in shows, conferences or camps, and all the activities in general that imply a group, a community, the public. If you’re an introvert then this month is going to be pure Hell; pure, unmitigated, excruciating, Hell on Earth. Anyway, good luck!
The second part of August will be more delicate. Venus, the planet of love, and Uranus, the ruler of Virgo’s house of couples, will both be in an obscure area which astrology relates to disappointment or loneliness. However, hidden secret happiness with Uranus is also possible. So don’t give up Virgo, unless defeat arouses that cute girl in cubicle six, then dude, go for i
Be careful when traveling and handling dangerous objects! There will be risks of accidents. If the bomb squad calls this month, let it go right to voicemail.
LIBRA
Venus, the planet of love, will cross Uranus, the most honorable (and taboo) area in Libra’s chart, an area that will fortify it and make use of its value. For the first part of August, Venus suggests the existence of some connections between relationships and career or status: professional decisions influenced by feelings, attraction for people that have a certain position or benefit from popularity. Rent the Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin classic 9 to 5 and watch it, that will explain everything. It is written in the stars for you to do this Libra.
August is an excellent period for popularity and support. You’ll have an amazing capacity to polarize attention, to bring the others in your projects, to find supporters and collaborators. You picked the right time to be the commissioner of your fantasy football league Libra! Draft Aaron Rodgers, he’s going to have a monster season!
Remember: Carrying things makes you look busy.
SCORPIO
In Scorpio’s house of love will be the dreamy and sentimental Neptune while the ruler of this house, Uranus, will govern at the highest point of your solar horoscope. So keep that ass in the air, cub-scout!
On the other hand, Venus, the ruler of Scorpio’s house of couples, will warn you that on the last days of August it’s possible for an unexpected complication to occur, which will impose making a firm decision. So try to relax, be more flexible, and not to push things too hard! After that, though, things will turn to a pleasing direction. Role playing as a firefighter seems like fun, but it’s distracting because you’re constantly worried about the alarm going off – plus installing that pole is a nightmare.
Remember: It’s not do you believe in aliens, it’s do aliens believe in you!
SAGITTARIUS
Distance will generally play an important role in developing Sagittarius’ relationships in August. It’s a fact that is underlined by both Mercury, the ruler of Sagittarius’ house of couples, and Venus, the planet of love. But don’t worry about that crap right now.
Last month, Uranus entered Sagittarius’ house of the superior intellect, of advanced studies, research and specializations, and it will stay there for one year. You have probably already started feeling the impulse of furthering an area of knowledge, of continuing or finalizing your studies, of expressing intellectually at a high level, maybe by conceiving a more elaborate piece of work of your own. Uranus is driving you to do this so you probably want to get a few books, some paper, a pencil, and table tray to set up near the toilet. As regards to Sagittarius’ money, you’d better be careful because in August there might appear blocks, delays or even damage. Fiber will help
Warning! Guard your back! Somebody with ill will can throw obstacles in your way. Take that hater out before they take you out! KnowwhatI’msayin’?
CAPRICORN
The second part of August will be more discreet in manifestations, but could be richer at the subtle level. For instance, you seem to be coating yourself in glue and rolling around in rainbow sprinkles a lot recently. As well as bringing luck this could be seen by bigfoots as a declaration of war.
It is still possible that you’ll get business or investment ideas, that you’ll purchase a durable good or simply that you’ll benefit from extra income, from gifts or other material advantages. Unlike last year, no one is going to forget your birthday. In addition, the ever present and always behind you Uranus, Capricorn’s ruler, will meet Mars, which will expose you to stress, irritability, carelessness and accidents.
Avoid playing board games with people with large foreheads.
AQUARIUS
August will be a real festival for Aquarius people from the point of view of relationships. In the first place, you can rely on the generosity and chance promised by Uranus, which entered Aquarius’ house of couples at the middle of the previous month and will bless it with its presence until August 2015. But this is not all! Tell ‘em Bob!
August will have great capacity to mark you out with the good parts that you have but also – caution! – with the less good parts also. It’ll be a month full of ambitions, which will stimulate the organization spirit, competitiveness, initiative and the combative spirit. This is a great time to be an Aquarius as luck is on your side. Give everyone you meet a bag of corn chips and say, “Let’s be friends!”
Socialize, make new friends, broaden your group of acquaintances! Join a group on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s list or just join your local YMCA as soon as possible.
PISCES
A wave of sensuality will cross Pisces’ sentimental life in the first part of August: Venus, the planet of love, will be in Pisces’ house of pleasures and passion. Uranus will be happy to see it. It will be a happy placement, which will bring you romanticism, lust for gallant adventures, erotic satisfaction and probably gonorrhea if you’re not careful. So keep a raincoat on the fireman!
If you’re not on holiday or on a leave of absence, in August 2014 you can have great professional satisfactions. So tell that prick who keeps putting smelly food in the microwave to finally f**k off.
Medical check-ups will be welcomed and treatments, diets and therapeutic procedures will have better effect. The same as everything else that is related to body hygiene, beauty care, etc. This is your excuse to start trolling massage parlors again.
Bedroom tip: there’s nothing wrong with staying on second base for a while, but if you get stranded there you can’t score.
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