Humor Magazine

Kellyanne, Call Your Mother. I Know How She Worries

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

Having the last name Fitzpatrick is interesting. It's different enough that you remember it, but just common enough that you can share a name with a good number of people. And with a first name with those same qualities, it was only a matter of time before someone in the news was named Diane Fitzpatrick.

Like Kellyanne Conway's mom. Thankfully, Kellyanne looks - and is - old enough to not be my daughter, so there isn't anyone who knows me who thinks I count among my offspring a pollster-turned- um . . . whatever she is now.

But because I share Kellyann's mom's name, I already relate to her. I don't know a thing about her, but I can picture her and I can guess what kind of mom she'd be. Exactly like me.

I imagine she shoots off a text or an email to her daughter much like I do to mine.

Hi Kell - Saw you on Wolf Blitzer this morning. So you're not curling your bangs anymore? Love you! Mom Hey Kell, Kellyanne Y don't u ever wear that purple blouse I got you for Xmas????? It looks so cute on you!!!!! Kellyanne - I just want to say that Anderson Cooper can go jump in a darn lake. He doesn't know what he's talking about. You are doing a great job, honey. XOXO Are you in for Skyping with the family Sunday? Your brothers think you're avoiding them. We know you are a very important person with a very important job, but remember: No one ever lay on her deathbed and said "I wish I had spent more time defending a politician." <3 <3 <3
Kellyanne, Call Your Mother. I Know How She Worries
I'm sending this on Facebook Messenger because I don't think my emails are getting through to you. I know you're ignoring my texts because I saw you on MSNBC Live and I texted you and you looked down at your pocket. I know you heard my ding. Call your mother. And BTW, what's with your profile pic? YOU ARE TOO THIN. But still beautiful inside and out. I know you're busy, because I saw you on Morning Joe, O'Reilly, and Hardball all on the same day, but was wondering if you could talk to my Stitch 'n Bitch group next Thursday (the 27th). Our guest speaker was supposed to be General Petraeus but he had a conflict and cancelled. Mrs. Gustavson suggested you as his replacement, because she wants to ask you about Stephanie's baby shower next month. Our meeting starts at 7. Please explain to the ladies what "golden showers" are.

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