Business Magazine

It's All About the Money

Posted on the 23 May 2011 by Parentalparody @parental_parody
Warning : Woe is me style ranty soapbox to follow. 
You see, today I’m having a pity party for one.  Well, actually it’s for two – the twin tornado.
Money - it's the root of all evil.
It's all about the money

Or, in my case, the root of all stress, worry, envy, general moments of less-than-contentedness.
But not in a when is the next shopping/cocktail jaunt to Bali? kind of way.
In a how in the hell am I going to afford TWICE the stimulating activities, classes and educational bits and pieces for the twins? kind of way.
Can I just state, up front, that #1 Hubby does indeed bring home the bacon.  I’m not bemoaning his earning capacity or our standard of living.  As he will, undoubtedly, be mortified when/if he reads this post.  
You see, he’s a bit of a blokey bloke, and will not be impressed that I’ve moaned about money on the interverse.  Since he is the breadwinner of the family, he will probably take it as a personal sleight on his role as the head honcho.  Fear not, #1 Hubby  we all know that I am the head honcho of the family.
I do have a good quality of life.  The bills get paid.  We live in a country that provides free schooling and medical care.  For all of that, it goes without saying that I am grateful.
It’s just the extras that are getting me down at the moment – kind of a first world style problem, but one that affects my kids, so therefore it eats away at me.
I take my hat off to single parents everywhere.  I also take my hat off to any family with more than one child.  Basically every family.  I salute you.  Making the average family wage stretch to cover those non-essential essentials is tough.  Oh for the days of DINK-dom (Double Income No Kids).

It's all about the money

I need one of these.  Knowing my luck, the twin tornado would only eat it like they have the chilli plants and the weeds


When it was just us and Miss5, she went to a good playgroup, swimming lessons, dancing – anything I thought may be of educational / cultural / physical / general benefit or enjoyment.
Having never factored twins in to our equation (thanks to zero family history of them on either #1 Hubby’s side of things or my own), we were most definitely not prepared for them financially, let alone emotionally, physically or logistically.
I’m quite confident I’m not the only creator of twins on this planet.  And I’m equally confident I’m not the first person to have twins following another child / older siblings.  That's what the all-seeing all-knowing census says, anyway.
I look at Miss5 (who has some of her own extra educational needs) and all the activities we could afford for her.  Then I look at the twins, and worry what I’ll be able to afford for them?
Do I only enrol the water-loving twin in swimming lessons?  Or should I be trying to encourage the less water savvy twin, and enrol that one instead?  Do I enrol them both, but only for one term?  Do I, instead, just let them live in the bath to obtain true water awareness.  If only they made 24hr waterproof nappies to allow this.  It would certainly make it much easier to keep track of them.
Then there’s the gymbaroo, the dancing, the daycare, the playgroup – TIMES TWO - and that is all before their official education commences.
How do you appease the guilt that, what was good enough for the first child, is just not possible for the next two?
How do you determine what is most important, most suitable, and the highest priority - and channel your limited resources towards that one thing?It makes me feel sick to my stomach with guilt, to think that the twins won’t be afforded the same chances and experiences as their older sister, purely because there’s two of them at the same time.  Even a one year buffer between them would surely have allowed us the chance to roll out the expenses?
Do I go back to full-time work, foregoing any real time with the 2yr old twin tornado – and, in the process, eat up most of my income in daycare fees?  Hardly seems worth it for the minimal amount we'd pocket each week after paying others to care for our kids.
What I need is a work from home type of job.
But they are a lot like unicorns and straight metrosexual male supermodels – they are alleged to have existed at one time or another, but nobody can provide any proof.
I thought about the obvious choices :
Phone sex operator 
It's all about the money

I’d have trouble stopping myself from snort-laughing at the freaky requests.  And before I could channel a sexy, husky, fag-hag voice, I’d be squeaking out “I’m sorry you want me to what now?” -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Telesales

It's all about the money

Is it a coincidence that the Telesales vacancies are worded almost identically to Phone Sex Operator vacancies?


I have a lengthy track record of being less than cordial when on the receiving end of these calls.  There's not enough money in the world to make me put up with being on the receiving end of the abusive tone of people like me.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Home Daycare

It's all about the money

What, this is not an approved home daycare high chair substitute?


I struggle to keep my own kids alive and well.  Not a chance I could handle anyone else’s at the same time.  Plus, I don’t really know anyone else that would trust and pay me to feed and water their plants or pets, let alone their kids.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Home laundry service

It's all about the money

I live in a townhouse. I simply don't have the room for one of these multi-washer thingamies...


#1 Hubby said no to this one on account of the high possibility I’d burn down the house.  Plus, I’m just not good with an iron.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Get rich quick schemes
It's all about the money

I actually tried one of these once.  Without reading the fine print.  As a result, I forked out $19.99 a month for a year, just to receive junk emails from others.  Clearly, someone was getting rich – but it wasn’t me.  Come in sucker….----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Medical research
It's all about the money

I seriously considered this one, on the off chance I could fluke my way into a trial involving liposuction / tummy tuck / boob lift / face lift / IPL / anything that would make me look more like Barbie.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  Having so many small children makes pharmaceutical companies antsy and hesitant (do they already know something about their products, before testing? *insert dumb/innocent deadpan look*).----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
So until I find that elusive work from home job that is actually viable, suitable, and relevant to my ‘unique’  limited  skill set (seriously, what can I get for sarcasm and super fast typing?) – I will continue stressing over what my twins will miss out on because I was not smart enough to have the forethought, as the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) of the family, to plan ahead and save adequately for multiple children.
Interverse, any ideas?  I’m pimping myself out here.  Who needs an excellent profiterole maker?  No.  How about rolling wise-cracks and sarcasm typed out at over 100 words per minute?  Anyone?
If I claim to be the true creator of Post-It Notes, will you all back me up?
What about if I make them with scented sticky backing, so they can double as discrete air-fresheners for when you’re stuck sitting next to the overly sweaty dude in the office?  No?

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