She has big thighs and a tiny waist.
She has wide hips and a flat tummy.
Some of my thoughts as I watched women walk by at the pool this weekend. I am obsessed with the female body and here's why.
I have always been gordita or chubby. Always. I don't have a thin frame, and when I do lose weight, I still have hips and thighs. I will however say, that I have learned how to hide the problem areas and dress for my body type.
I have struggled with my weight and my body image since I can remember. I missed out on years of pool side fun, beach parties with friends and I spent many summers sitting fully dressed and sweating under an umbrella because I could not, or rather would not dare put on a swimsuit. I was angry at myself, I was angry at the world and I was humiliated and made fun of more times than I can count.
But hang on...don't leave yet. This isn't a pity post, or an attempt to get compliments. NO. I just want you my readers to understand where I am coming from. Every blogger has a story and I have never given you mine.
This was was no accident. I purposely started this blog to show that fashion and style is not only for the young, thin and childless. I wanted to show real everyday style, real struggles, real looks from a 5ft tall, size 12 mamá with hips, thighs and cellulite (and a major budget).
This blog is my therapy. I realized, that I will never, ever be satisfied and happy with myself unless I make it happen. Unless I let go of all of my insecurities and body issues and JUST MOVE ON! I really do believe that every woman, no matter what their size should look and feel amazing.
Wearing a swimsuit for first time in six years. Not perfect, but happy!
My teen years (and beyond) were spent trying to lose weight. Every September I would have panic attacks before going back to school because I was still fat. Every year I swore I would lose weight, and every year I didn't. On the overnight flight to Chile every year, I would sit awake at night damning myself for not being in better shape. I would dream of landing in Santiago 40 lbs lighter and everyone congratulating me on how amazing I looked. That never happened.
I loved the winter. I could cover up, wear big jackets and sweaters. I have had "ligther" years, like when I trained for a marathon and then when we lived in London I maintained pretty well. Yet I was still considered "heavy" by the GP. I have never been less than a size 8 (US) and when I got pregnant with Little M I was thrilled, but the only thing I could think of was my weight gain and how long it would take me to recover.
My mother got tired of listening to me complain and always putting myself down. One day she blurted out (in Spanish) "Yes! You are fat. You gained a lot. Now go, and buy yourself a size 20 dress if you need to and look good in it. Being gorda does NOT give you the excuse to not look your best". With that, she made me get up off the sofa, wash my hair, put on makeup and wear something, anything other than the black yoga pants I had been living in. Mind you, this was not a few weeks after giving birth. This was MONTHS afterwards.
It's been three years, I am still trying to find the right balance in my life. I have been on Medifast since late February and lost 20 lbs. And you know what? I'm still gordita! I have cellulite that won't go away. I have big thighs and wide hips and my arms flap a bit when I move them.
But...I feel like a supermodel. For real. Hey I'm Very Busy Mamá and I'm not afraid to show it!
This is an old maternity dress that I'm wearing as a cover up for the pool!
Hat, sunnies and sandals from Target - Each under $15
Dress from Motherhood
This weekend, for the first time in six years I not only wore a bathing suit, but a bikini. My body is NO WHERE near perfect. I am still not 100% confident, but I feel better.
I need to stop searching for the impossible and be happy with me. We are trying for another baby and starting at a lower weight I believe will benefit me during the pregnancy and avoid all the nasty problems such as pre-eclampsia I had the first time around. It is inevitable that I will gain weight with another pregnancy, but I hope to avoid the self loathing and pity party.
There are far too many smart, professional, beautiful women that I know (and mamas in particular) who still need to learn to love themselves. I have my bad days, but I believe we need to support and encourage each other to just get out there and look and feel our best at any size.
I am what a REAL woman looks like. A REAL mama. Size 8-10 in my better days. Mostly 12, sometimes more.
Don't wait to lose 40 lbs - that might not happen. Look and feel good now. CONFIDENCE is your best accessory.
Want to contribute and share your story? Let's talk! Email me majoseovalle AT gmail DOT com
