Heart Or Head?

Doctor day todayDr M had a medical student observing todaySo he was a lot more professional than usualI played alongLike the good little recovering anorectic that I amI asked him about my medsAnd if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequentlyHe said that as things were going wellHe would leave it as daily dispensed for another weekI guess that is bestIf it ain't broke right?He asked me if I'd had my counseling appointment yetI told him my first one was tomorrowWhich it isSo that is progress me thinks
I'm in good form at the momentMy mood is stableI'm having very little cravingsMy weight is okI'm seeing friends And even seeing a boyMore of which laterBut I still have a lot of work to doThe purging persistsSometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a dayBecause at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a dayYes it's an improvementBut to all intents and purposesI am still very much bulimicI still binge and purgeI still use food in an unhealthy wayHopefully seeing a counselor will be able to help me with that
NowAbout the boyWe were texting yesterdayI asked him if he wanted to call out here todayAs I thought I'd have the house to myselfBut now it looks like I won'tSo I need to tell him thatAnd maybe arrange to do something elseI am very confused about this situationI really don't know if I like him or notI meanHe is a lovely guyI think he is attractiveBut I don't know if I like him more than just as a friendI was talking with my sister and her friendThey were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of himI doAnd I think about him a lotHe's always on my mindI love to see that he has textedAnd I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing himBut Matters of the heart are never straight forwardThere are other factors at playHe is my ex boyfriends best friendDoes that make it weird?I'm really not sureAlso I'm not sure if I like himOr like the idea of himOr maybe because we used to use together He represents danger and intrigue And anywayHe might not like me at allI my boy radar could be way offAs I have said beforeI am so rusty and out of practiceI really can't tell one way or the other
I haven't had a boyfriend in yearsAnd I've never had a boyfriend while clean and soberThis is unchartered territoryAnd it is scaryConfusingMind bogglingAnd bafflingWhy can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?Why can't we be open and honestLay all our cards on the tableThen everyone would know what was happeningIt would completely eliminate the guess workThe trying to read the other persons mindThe reading of textsAnd trying to read between the linesAnd figure out what the other person really means
Take yesterdayThe Boy took ages to reply to my textWhat is that all about?Why can't people text straight awayThat would have saved me hours of agonyAnd because he took ages to replyI decided to wait a while before replyingIsn't that playing mind games?Is it being strategicI hate these gamesNo good can come if it 
So I need your help dear friendsHow do I know if I really have feelings for him?How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?Is there a test or something I can take?I'm kiddingBut you know what I meanPart of me thinks we should just stay friendsAs anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendshipBut the truth is that I would love to meet someoneAnd I think I am now getting to a place where that is possibleUp until nowA relationship just hadn't been on my radarI was too sick to contemplate itBut nowWell now that I am a lot more stableI feel ready to share my life with someoneI'm just not sure if this person is the right person
The good news is that this is a lot of funIt's a feel good thingI feel like I am really starting to live lifeAnd that is an amazing feelingI just need a little girl to girl adviceSo any input is greatly appreciated
What do info ladies?How do I know if I really like him?And if he really likes me?My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad ideaSo do I go with my heart?Or my head?I think I already know the answer But I would love to know what you think