G

I got a text message the other dayOut of the blueIt was from a girl I was in treatment with a few years agoA girl who I will call GI met this girl when I was in hospital for the second timeIn 2011G was about half way through her treatment when I arrivedShe had come in to hospital at a dangerously low weightShe was very illG struggled through treatment Struggled to break out of being sickAnd all that went withI firmly believeWhether we like it or notThat our EDs serve a purpose There is a reason that we are eating disordered Because we get some sort of payoff from itWhether that be attentionThe relief of anxietyThe numbness The protectionThe not feelingI guess it's different for everyone 
Anyway Back to G She had a history of self harm also And suicide attempts Towards the end of her treatment She was discharged as an inpatientAnd started to come as a day patient From the start she really struggled She self harmed when she was at home And began to purge I remember thinking that purging was a useless effort And told her so But she continued to deteriorate She took up a lot of time in groups Asked to see the doctor nearly every day Some of our group began to resent her And the attention she seemed to needBut as I have since learned from being in treatment numerous times Sometimes there is competition among patients to be the sickestTo need to most attention from staffTo be the thinnest And the most eating disordered I've come across it many times Heck, I've been there myself In competition with other girls to lose weightSteering conversations to get the other person to tell you how thin you areI've been thereDone that Bought the extra small t-shirt
Often peopleAs in family and staff membersTip toe around the person with an EDAnd that is understandable Because the person is in a very vulnerable positionThey can be weakMentally and physically But it also means that the person in question is kept in cotton woolI remember when I was in treatment The person who ran the Eating Disorder Recovery Programme was a nurseShe was the nicest person you could ever meetShe was really like a mother to all us patients I never once saw her lose her coolOr get frustrated or fed upAnd she was dealing with ED patients all day every dayWhen this nurse went on holidays Another nurse from the ward would take overThis nurse was much more hard hitting She really took no prisoners She was honestBrutally soDirect And did not hold backBut you know what ?I actually did better with this nurseI responded better to herI'm not saying that's the same for everyoneI'm sure the softly softly approach works for done But not for me 
I'm digressing againBack to GWe texted back and forth She told me that she was also diagnosed the borderline personify disorderAnd was put on a cocktail of meds Due to these meds She went from a size sixTo a size twenty very quickly And even though she was still very much bulimic Was not treated for her ED Because she was not underweightThis is something that makes my blood boilEveryone is on red alert when someone is underweightAnd rightly soIt's a dangerous timeAnd as we all knowAnorexia has a high mortality rate But just because someone has regained weight to a healthy BMIDoes not mean they are curedOf course they could be on the road to recoveryBut often times the person is still strugglingI have found that because I punished my body so much over the years Now My body physically won't let me lose any significant amount of weight anymoreMy weight tends to fluctuate around five kilos up or down But that's it It's like my body won't let me be underweight anymoreAnd that's fine with me
But yes It's a common problem among the ED community Often the body recovers long before the mindSo we are left with a healthy body But a very anorectic mindAnd that let me tell you is a living hellEveryone tells you how well you lookAnd all you want to do is slice the flesh off your bodyOften those who are bulimic Maintain a healthy weightBut that does not mean they are healthyThere could be all sorts of complications under the surfaceThis is the ignorance of peopleThey don't know enough about eating disorders to be aware of this informationSo it's up to us The ED community To let people know To educate them That eating disorders come in all sizes from obese to emaciated to everything in betweenI know that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight Fact
I rely felt for GShe has been through the millAnd although her BMI is now healthyShe still strugglesIt was good to hear from her thoughYou form strong bonds with the girls you meet in treatment They are fellow soldiers in the war against  this thing we call ED
I'm hoping they through our blogsWe might be able to educate people about EDsMental health is still quite a taboo subjectAnd eating disorders and other conditions are still whispered about Rather than talked about I'm hoping that in my life time This will change People will talk openly about their issuesWithout fear of being labelled 'crazy'We've all grown up with someone on our street or in our neighbor hoodWho was labelled 'nuts' or 'mad'I know my auntie lived in the same estate as my familyShe was called Mad MaryIt's cruelBut it's because people don't understand And they fear what they don't understand My auntie was not madShe had a bona fide mental illnessBut instead of helping or understanding People chose to ridice her
I've often written here about my fathers side of the familyOut of his ten brothers and sisters All of them have suffered with some form of mental illness or addictionMy mothers side of the family has noneAnd out my my two sisters and my brotherMy sisters and I all have been diagnosed with mental illness and addictionAnd live with these traits every dayMy brother on the other hand is most like my motherGo figure 
Anyway That's my Sunday morning rant overDon't know if I made any sense Congratulations if you made it this far Both in this post And in lifeHa I have officially stopped making sense Think I'll go and stick my head in the oven...(That is a figure of speech in my houseWhenever someone gets fed up they say 'I think I'll go and stick my head in the oven' ala Sylvia Plath)Ok enough!Goodbye Adios See you on the next post....