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Cleveland Wants Goats To Mow City Lawns, But Will This Solve Goat Unemployment?

By Nottheworstnews @NotTheWorstNews

According to ABC News, the City of Cleveland is currently considering following in the footsteps of other great cities, like Boulder, Colorado. And we’re not talking about human footsteps, but rather goat footsteps, which we guess technically should be called “hoofsteps”. Specifically, for genuine environmental reasons, goats are a better choice for lawn-mowing (aka lawn-random-grazing) than traditional lawnmowers. Where were these goats when we were kids and wanted to get out of doing chores?

Anyway, as it’s an election year in the United States, it’s important to consider that goat unemployment remains at record highs, especially in a city like Cleveland that was hit hard by the subprime housing crisis. Some may argue we need less government spending on goat-lawn-mowing employment. Others may argue that we need to bring back strong goat manufacturing jobs. Whatever you may argue, things could be worse for our goat friends…

3 Worse Potential Jobs For Goats In The City Of Cleveland Than Mowing Lawns

1. Ticket-taker at Progressive Field. Back in the prosperous Clinton years, Albert Belle was in the outfield of Jacobs Field, the Cleveland Indians went from an ensemble cast in a Charlie Sheen movie to the World Series, and an honest ticket-taker with 60 years of experience had it made. He or she only had to do one thing. Tear the ticket stub and let people in. Easy work that any hard-working goat could do. Now ticket-takers have to scan ticket bar codes. Maybe search through a purse to find a can of Sierra Mist snuck into the venue. This is terrible goat work! The high frequency noise of the ticket-scanner is like a dog-whistle to goats, leading to a possible stampede on Jason Kipnis Bobblehead day. And that can of Sierra Mist? If we’ve learned anything from cartoons, goats love to chew on everything, including tin cans, even if they’re full and may explode. Let’s just say there wouldn’t be many days without a “Zero Days Since Last Work Related Injury” if goats were paid to collect tickets.

2. Demolishing houses abandoned because of the subprime crisis. The subprime crisis hit Cleveland hard, forcing Cleveland County to demolish thousands of homes. But contrary to what we learned in cartoons in the previous paragraph, a goat can’t even demolish a tin can. In fact, a goat can’t even knock over a stack of tin cans with a baseball to win a stuffed plush goat at a carnival! Even if the goat has experience working with runaway baseballs at Progressive Field. But since goats do eat paper, they could demolish a house of cards. Unfortunately, the house of cards known as the Cleveland subprime crisis was already knocked down in 2008.

3. Giving tours at the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. It’s hard enough for a human to explain to a 6th grade class on a field trip why W. Axl Rose refused to show up for his Hall of Fame induction, never mind a bleating goat. Especially when the bleating goat gets to the Rolling Stones section of the Hall and has a panic attack seeing their album “Goats Head Soup.”


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