Stephen King's Carrie inspired one successful film, so why not a remake? That's probably the only thought anyone put into tonight's monumental mediocrity. Carrie (2013) is wretchedly uninspired, cowering abjectly in the original's shadow.Recycled synopsis: Outcast teen Carrie White (Chloe Grace Moretz) suffers bullying from classmates and her mother's (Julianne Moore) religious fanaticism. But Carrie suffers from a less common affliction: she possesses telekinetic powers, which manifest themselves at inopportune times. Classmate Sue (Gabriella Wilde) feels guilty for teasing Carrie and convinces her boyfriend (Ansel Elgort) to invite Carrie to the prom. Carrie finally stands up to her mom and brush off the bullies. But her nemesis Chris (Portia Doubleday) plans a nasty prom, with catastrophic consequences.
Assembly line remakes like Carrie are the ultimate cynical exercise. Rarely outright terrible, they add nothing besides new stars and superficial cultural updates (Nancy Allen didn't have a smartphone!). Everything from Scream to Glee has spoofed Carrie, submerging the terror in parody and imitation. To transcend familiarity, director Kimberly Peirce must add auteur flair or a fresh interpretation. Instead she slavishly restages King's set pieces, adding little but artless computer effects and explicit death scenes.
But then Carrie is remarkably graceless. Even Pauline Kael never accused Brian De Palma of subtlety, but his Carrie is Cat People next to this junk. It's not enough for Margaret to be batty, she must mutilate herself with sewing needles. Chris can't be a mere alpha bitch, so she uploads Carrie's freakout on Youtube. And Peirce replays the bucket sploosh three times! Too bad Carrie lacks a personality, cowering fearfully with occasional expressions of bafflement. Sissy Spacek evinced human vulnerability beneath her psychic trauma; Chloe Grace Moretz's Carrie does things because the script says so.
Moretz, usually an appealing actress, rarely transcends one-note timidity. She's decent in scenes with Carrie breaking out of her shell, but her confrontations with Mom and prom freakout flop. Julianne Moore is stupendously awful: her bleary-eyed ham-boning makes Margaret less fanatical than hung over. The other teens are pretty ciphers with talent to match. Playing a friendly teacher, Judy Greer's exasperated perkiness provides Carrie's lone bright spot. When it's Cheryl Tunt's job to provide sanity, your movie isn't working.
Carrie isn't bad enough to be insulting; it's just a waste of time. If you're going to restage the original sans style and invention, why bother remaking Carrie at all?
