Sports Magazine

Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel

By Jhop
This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity/adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and discuss things that do not matter in any way, shape, or form. Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielA week after they got threatened by Brittney Griner, Amber, Carrie, Jill, and Robin are back for some banter, bball, and early morning boozing. They are joined by this week’s guest moderator, Jessica Biel. Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielIt’s me, hi, I’m here. Alone.  No one else.  Just me.  I’m Jessica Biel, but you can just call me the future Mrs. Timber…sigh.  No, I don’t need a fucking tissue, I am fine. Sort of.  I will be fine.  Don’t worry, people; I am not going to marry a back-up dancer, pop out some kids, and shave my head or anything.  Justin or not, I am Mary fucking Camden. I may have played a preacher’s daughter for, like, way too long, but I also posed half-naked on the cover of Gear magazine just to get out of that shindig.  Don’t test me. I will be fine without him. I was in the third Blade movie. I once played the love interest of heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  I won a Golden Globe…well, I was asked to present an award there.  I also played a stripper in Powder Blue, alongside that Forest dude who won an Oscar.  Not Gump, but Whitaker.  Regardless, if I can scale Mount Kilimanjaro, I most definitely can survive a member of some boy band. Let's do this, ladies.Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielJessica: I am on the market again, and I need a high-profile rebound stud to make some headlines with. I was thinking about Tiger, but, I mean, I don’t know if I can handle his drama. 
Do you think that Tiger Woods win ever win another championship? Or will his legacy just be dominated by his overexposed wang?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel Robin: The only thing that man could possibly win would be the creepiest goatee in Battlestar Sketchtastica. My heart actually broke when I first heard that he was in a "car accident" and then to hear that it was cause his wife beat him with a golf club when she found out he was cheating (I am real anti-violence, but Elin did what she had to do. Silence the violence. Keep the Peace. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming). How did you try to mend my unnecessary broken heart Tiger? You grew facial hair that made me question your Stanford education and also made me question if I would care about any form of golf besides miniature ever again. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielJill: I have to believe that Tiger will win another championship. Whether I want him to or not is another story. Ever since he drove into a tree, I have been really conflicted. On one hand, I remember his mind-boggling putts at the U.S. Open years ago, his total dominance and passion on the green. He made me watch golf, just for him.  Which is impressive, only because I think golf is god-awfully boring any other time. But the girl power side of me thinks that this is sort of perfect karma after he humiliated his family by banging whores all over the country. After his robotic press conferences and selfish PR stunts. That said, one day, when Tiger gets his shit together, he will win another championship and it will make a nice story. As far as his overexposed wang – well, he is stuck with that. Like a diamond, the internet is forever. 
Jessica: I don’t have a diamond.  I really wish you didn’t bring that up.  Carrie, please enlighten me. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Carrie: You know it is not my style to not answer a question, particularly when specifically asked to do so, but can I please abstain? I cannot discuss Tiger Woods anymore. Like, I didn't care about golf before he made a mess of his life and I for sure don't now. I mostly just feel guilty for the other pro-golfers out there, because while their game might not be a sport, it is their profession and Tiger Wood's complete monopoly on all its press is probably really obnoxious to them, but no one cares what they think because you know what? They're not Tiger Woods or his wang.
Jessica:  Like, I’ve had Derek Jeter’s wang, and I don’t even think his is THAT prolific.  What about you, the one who made it well-known that she had her sights set on my man? Yeah, you. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel
Amber:  Tiger. Tiiiiiiiiiger. Tiger. If sperm is the source of TW's good golfing, then he may be in trouble. It sucks that he sacrificed his career and good name in search of rando coochie. If sperm is NOT his source, there may be another green jacket in his future. Really? I have no idea. I find golf SO confusing and boring.
Jessica: Okay, so Tiger isn’t your thing.  What about that Grant Hill op-ed?    
What are your thoughts on the Fab Five-Duke controversy? Do you really think that Grant Hill is a “little bitch” or “Uncle Tom?”
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielCarrie: Being completely unaware of the whole controversy (seriously, I don't know like a sort of lot of things), I was FASCINATED by this movie. I mean, they didn't actually get into the scandal too much, so I guess I just meant I was fascinated by the story of these guys, and I am a big fat sucker for ESPN Films (just a quick nitpicky sidenote: "The Fab Five" was technically not one of the 30 for 30 series, but rather just an ESPN film) and this one viewed like a basketball counterpart to my very favorite, "The U,” so like hook-line-sinker, I'm in. Jalen Rose was rather charming in the video and I am a big sucker for charm, so yeah, I was into him. I also felt like he was talking about how he felt when he was a child and I can imagine, yeah, it did feel like a certain "type" of black athlete went to play at Duke. I thought he was really clear that he was wrong and felt differently now, but was accurately portraying what went through his mind during the time he was playing against Duke. Of course people blew it out of proportion because he was talking about race, and that's always gonna incite controversy. I think a response by Grant Hill was warranted (though not necessary), and as a big fan of classy athletes, I think Grant Hill might be in my top five now after what he wrote. Not only was he fairly rational, but he was also incredibly eloquent. Which just goes to show what a Duke education'll get ya, I guess. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielJill: Well, thank you CMoney. And while I mostly agree with you, I have to give a big hell no to Jalen Rose.  He is as charming as Tiger’s wang, The Rapist’s jockstrap, and Brett Favre’s crocs. Did I enjoy the documentary? Yes, totally. But I found something so phony about it. I already caused a stir with my opinion on Duke haters, so I won’t beat a dead horse, or in this case, a whiny bitch.  Jalen Rose is bitter.  And a hypocrite. He bashes Grant Hill for selling out and then sells out to ESPN.  I think that Jason Whitlock, love him or hate him, said it really well. In part, he writes that “Coach K wants talented basketball players — regardless of color — willing to be led.” And he is right. Jalen Rose never wanted to be coached; he wanted to write the script himself.  Like with this documentary. He was an obnoxious prick in the early 90s and nothing has changed today. So congrats, Jalen. Your defiance and drama scored you a really entertaining documentary on ESPN.  But drama doesn’t win titles, as you are well-aware.
Jessica: Yeah, that was a bit too serious for me, Debbie Downer.  What about you, Robin? What did you think?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel Robin: I loved me the Fab 5 documentary (aka 30 for 30, 31st edition). I think Jalen was sort of a bitch for saying such things about Coach K and Duke. But I did also read "I Am Charlotte Simmons," so like, I know a thing or two about Dupunt University (read Duke). The best part of this story is that Jalen tweeted an apology to Grant Hill before last Sunday's premiere of The Fab 5. I love the idea of a pre-apology, but TWITTER. Come on now Jalen, you are a step above Bieber announcing a haircut. You sorta tweeted an important apology that should have been private. At least put it on Grant's Myspace or Friendster.
Jessica: I am impressed that you somehow combined Tom Wolfe, Myspace, and the Biebs into a mostly logical response. I think.  Maybe you can settle this for us, Amber?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielAmber: First, let me say that I have loved Grant Hill since I was six and he was playing at Duke and came to read to kids in my elementary school library. He had a flat top like Kid from Kid and Play. It was hot.  Second, as a VERY working class (that's what you say instead of poor, right?) southern-born, New England-educated black girl, I am particularly sensitive to comments like the one's that Jalen Rose made.  In college, there was this hussy who once tried to call me out in a similar way. I kind of got in her face and told her, in my most firm, authentically black girl voice that she needed to watch her mouth. She later accused me of demonstrating black-on-black violence. I think she was REALLY upset because she was a lesbian and I wouldn't let her taste my cookies, but that's beside the point. ANYWAY, I'm glad that Jalen Rose feels "authentically black" and all that because of how he spent the first 18 years of his life. HOWEVER, most black men from poor single-parent households, despite their BEST efforts, AND money spent on expensive basketball shoes, do not get to travel around and play a game as teenagers and then get free rides to top colleges. Did he have it harder than Grant Hill who came from a middle class family with a mama and a daddy? Probably. But I think he's so wrapped up in "where he came from" that he doesn’t recognize his own position of privilege and how dramatically different his life is from other more "typical" black ones. That kind of shit talking makes him a little bitch if you ask me.
Jessica: That was like really well said. I may just forgive you for coming between Justin and I… it was you, wasn’t it? Nevermind, let’s just switch gears.  Because in addition to Tiger, I am thinking that taking Tim Tebow’s v-card may really boost my career. 
Let’s just say, for example, that you are the social chair of the fictional NFL Players Lockout Committee. What kind of activities/events would you plan to entertain the masses during this work stoppage?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica BielJill: Well, hopefully I will only be planning like a month of events, because a court will put an end to this nonsense.  I hope the players stay strong; the owners are greedy bastards who are just pissed off that they fucked up the last CBA. But listen, just because we can’t play football doesn’t mean that we can’t be athletic.  Which is why I will plan a league-wide beer pong tournament to coincide with March Madness.  There are 32 NFL teams – perfect for our own little tourney.  Each NFL team will pick two pairs of players – 64 teams in all – that will then compete for glory, as the NCAA tourney progresses. Seeding for our tournament will be based on the 2010 NFL regular-season standings.  In addition to pride, the winners will get to cut down…I don’t know, a diseased tree? Most importantly, this event will promote bonding, teamwork, and substance abuse – all things that the NFL already supports. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Amber: Flip cup. It REALLY brings people together. Black, white, Uncle Toms, Aunt Cheryl's and grandmas and grandpas. Alcohol is the ultimate social lubricant. Make love, not war and work stoppages. 
Jessica: Um, are there any non-alcoholics here this morning? Maybe someone who thinks that fun does not have to revolve around a keg and solo cups?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel
Carrie: The players on the Lockout Committee seem like a fun bunch of dudes, so I think probably just like watching March Madness with them? Or like Opening Day, depending on how long this goes? It'd be like those ESPN commercials where famous athletes are just like watching other sports and I love those. Plus, I like hanging out with boys watching sports. I feel like famous boys would be no different. But also? I want a ticket to whatever event Robin plans, because it will be amazing. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Robin: Though I do think it should be mandatory community service for these punks wanting even more money, I'm gonna let them have some fun. I want televised chicken fights in Jello. Don't you just think that would be hilarious and help the owners and players get more figured-out than through mediation? Fight it out in Jello, and have it televised for us fans that need entertainment while the new season of The Bachelorette is being taped (okay maybe just me). Either way, dessert + sports + keeping the peace (sorta) = winning combo. 
Jessica: Speaking of jello fighting, if my seduction of Tim Tebow doesn’t work out, I am considering offers from both Playboy and the WWE. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but:
Apparently Snooki has become a WWE wrestler.  In an ideal world, what bitches would you like to see kick her ass in the ring? Or, in the alternative, what other females would you like to see go down the WWE road? 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Amber: I don't mind Snooki. I think she is sort of funny. I HATE girl fighting though. The hair pulling, scratching, breaking of acrylic nails and general lack of finesse involved is so gross to me. So like, no lady WWE for me. Is that a cop out?
 
Jessica: Yes.  
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Robin: I want Tonya Harding and Snooki to wrestle a la Celebrity Death Match but only in clay-form. Yes, I am a real peacenik this week, but I still love a good fight. So like, how much fun would it be to see how the artists would make Snooki's poof out of clay? Or Tonya's club? It would be a learning opportunity and a brush of culture for every day middle America.
Jessica: But don’t you think I have a shot? I did survive a movie with Nicolas Cage and that whole herpes scare from Freddie Prinze Jr. 
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Jill: It’s just that I wouldn’t bet on too many girls to beat Snooki in the ring; that scrappy bitch is feisty. But if I had to see someone else go down that road? I would probs go with: Danielle Staub. Whitney Houston.  Kate Gosselin and all eight of her precious little bullies. Ke$ha. Ryan Seacrest. Kathy Griffin. Lindsay Lohan. Christina Aguilera. Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter, as a tag team. Courtney Love. Barbara Walters. Barbara Bush. Tyra Banks. Betty White.
Jessica: Aren’t you forgetting someone?
Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Tiger Woods, Grant Hill, Flip Cup, and Jessica Biel 
Carrie: I know nothing about WWE, but this seems like a really perfect cross-promotional fit, so like brava Snooki and brava WWE. I feel like Xtina is going through a career rehab this month, so maybe this is something she could pursue. I think normally, she wouldn't seem like a natural fit, but have you seen the "Dirrrrrty" video? Those assless chaps are like MADE for professional wrestling. Also, in a match-up like this, there are bound to be some weaves pulled. 
Jessica: What the hell? You don’t think I can wrestle? I can wrestle. I am going to be just fine.  I don’t need you. Or Justin… I’m fine.  Right?  I. Am. Fine.  <Crying>  Oh my god, what am I supposed to do now, other than listen to “Tearing Up My Heart” on repeat?  Sigh, I have to call my agent about the 7th Heaven movie.

Tune in next week, bitches. 

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