I've always appreciated the innocence of youth. When we are young, we are delightfully naturally curious and we ask a lot of questions. We want to know the "why" behind everything we are experiencing for the first time. Many of you can probably recall being pleasantly annoyed by a young person in your life asking a million questions, no matter how seemingly trivial they may be. We are born curious, and it's our natural inclination to ask a lot of "why" questions. Questions drive exploration and discovery, and prompt people to make some of the most groundbreaking, important, or obscure discoveries. Questions, especially "why", can also cause us to double down on our beliefs and shut us off to changing our minds.
I was recently listening to an episode of Adam Grant's podcast, ReThinking, where he made a statement in passing that really stuck with me. He commented on the fact that we often ask "why" questions that really only prompt us to double down on our beliefs and convictions. Instead, we should be asking more "how" questions that open us to consider how we arrived at the conclusion we are holding onto at that moment.
We live in an increasingly polarized world, where beliefs have become unchangeable aspects of our identity. Once we've expressed support for an idea or opposition to an idea, we feel compelled to hold onto that belief and our biases prevent us from changing our minds, even in the face of new and compelling evidence to the contrary. When we are discussing a seemingly controversial topic with someone, we often begin by stating our positions and then asking the other person why they believe what they do. This simply prompts them prompts them to regurgitate the talking points that they've been exposed to and it prevents new inquiry and curiosity.
If we, instead, ask someone how they came to believe what they do, we invite more depth. We present them with an opportunity to share more about themselves, their experiences, and their motivations. We also challenge them to consider how they came to arrive at the conclusion they have, and create more opportunities for them to question their own beliefs. Often times, we fixate on the end product and avoid considering just how illogical or ridiculous the ingredients were that got us there in the first place.
When we ask someone how they believe their ideas might impact others, we are giving them an opportunity to consider other perspectives. This change of perspective invites in other ideas or considerations that were once blocked out. So, the next time you find yourself on the precipice of an uncomfortable conversation, think about how you can ask less "why" questions, and more "how" questions. You might just find the common ground together with a whole lot less digging of heels into the ground!
