Anorexia V Bulimia

Gosh, Monday comes around so quickly
Too quickly
Even though I'm doing not very much, time seems to slip by so fast
It's a good thing and a bad thing
It means the world is still turning even though my life has come to a stand still
But it also means that the weeks are turning in to months and the months are turning in to years
I swear I blinked and 10 years went by
And I am still in this place where time has no meaning
I saw my doctor first thing
Notice I am saying 'my doctor' and not 'nice woman doctor'
Yes I have adopted her
Not officially of course,  I am still under my other doctor, only in my head
I finally decided to ask why my usual doctor has been out for so long
It turns out he has done his back in and needs surgery
Looks like he will be out for a while
She asks how I am
I tell her some but not all
She asks if the interruption to seeing my usual doctor has been stressful
I almost laughed when she said this because it has actually been the opposite
A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has helped I think
I tell that it hasn't been too stressful
That I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know than someone I do know
You can't disappoint someone that doesn't know you
After speaking for a while she tells me that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
I was a bit blown away that she shared that with me
I wanted to ask loads of questions but I held back and just asked her if she had recovered
She had
I was glad
Maybe it's this reason that she is taking my case so seriously
She really listens
I can tell because she stops writing and turns and looks directly at me
She often tells me not to beat myself up about things
I need to hear that
I seem to beat myself up about the littlest things
And my ED thrives on that
On guilt and shame
I leave feeling hopeful
And you know what?
I don't even know this doctor's name
And I don't really want to know
I just like to think of her as a kind stranger
I wrote on Friday about wanting to address the purging and it was one of my goals for this week
Friday went ok
I purged once
But in my eagerness to stop I seem to be going to the other extreme
All of a sudden I am afraid to eat and even drink because I don't want to purge
Yesterday was not a good day
I went the whole day without eating and drank only a small amount of water
I don't know about you but when I stop eating I get really hyper
I'm like an energiser bunny
Talking non stop
Moving in fast forward
I actually became afraid last night because I couldn't calm down and forced myself to eat some tea and toast
I don't know why it is although I'm sure there is a biological reason for it
I really don't like it though
I feel so out of control
It bothers me greatly that I seem to bounce from one extreme to the other
All or nothing
Black or white
Too much or not enough
I don't seem to have grasped the concept that there is a whole gray area in between
A balance
A happy medium
I don't fit neatly in the the label of anorexic or bulimic
I think what I have lies somewhere between the two
On any given day I could be one or the other
I guess you could call it anorexia with binge purge sub type
I seem to have the worst traits of both conditions
The rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia and the impulsiveness of bulimia
It's confusing to say the least
But I think probably not too many people meet all the criteria for any illness
I mentioned on Friday that I have become bored of my ED
And I have
I am boring myself
Talking about it
Thinking about
Everything about it
She is like a friend that I've outgrown but won't take the hint and go away
I think it's a good thing though
It doesn't have the same mystique that it once had
Now it's just like a job
A mind numbingly repetitive job
I work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
My weight continues to drop and I continue to not give a shit
I asked my mother this morning if I am going crazy because I really thought that I was this weekend
She said no
She said that yes I am sick but not crazy
Do you ever feel like that?
That along with the weight you are losing your mind?
Losing my mind scares me a lot more than losing my body
I can handle physical pain
Give me it over emotional pain any day of the week
The thought of losing my mind terrifies me
It doesn't bear thinking about
Today I am trying to strike a balance with food
And not err on the side of caution too much
I have no idea  what to eat or how much
Like a child I need to relearn healthy food habits
But it can be done
I know it can
Recovery is possible
It's not something that only happens in books and films
People can and do get better
Yes, it will be unimaginably hard and I will want to tear my hair out
But it will be worth it
I haven't come throught the horrors of heroin addiction on for my ED to kill me
To be free of this thing would be life changing
I have to believe that
Other wise I will completely crack up and really will go insane
Are you like me?
Do you find it hard to strike a balance with food?
Answers on a postcard please?