Humor Magazine

Aha! I Am Not No Dumbie

By Glenn Waterman

dunce-capYesterday I wrote about the deteriorating state of my aging body. Sad story indeed.

But what of my mind? Is it, as I noted then, still running at the supreme cognitive power of a three-year-old? Well, think again. I have come to the realization my body may be failing but it’s a whole ‘nother story when it comes to the mental stuff crammed into my crumbling cranium. My mind is not in fact functioning at the level of a mere toddler. It appears I am smarter than your average 8th-grader.

In 1912.

overall test

And I have the test results to prove it. Thanks to a recent discovery by Kentucky’s Bullitt County History Museum – a 101-year-old exam given to the county’s 8th-graders in 1912.

If it was good enough for them, it must be good enough for me. A proper education must have been better back then. After all, those were the “good old days,” right?

So, I took the test. And aced it. With no studying or cheating, even. Allow me to share a few of my intellectual highlights, in just one of my particular specialities – grammar.

The questions:

bcschoolexam1912sm grammar

The answers:

1. Four. Spoken, Written, Campaign and Slurred.
2. Proper noun: King. Common noun: Serf. Properties: Proper rules. Common toils.
3. Do I know you? None of your damn business.
4. Racetracks, strip clubs, flophouses, to name a few.
5. “James struck William.”
6. Three. 1st: great balls of fire. 2nd: Great balls of fire. 3rd: GREAT balls of fire.
7. You want a diagram? Hell, I can do better than an measly old diagram …

cheerful givers


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