Diaries Magazine

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

By Jennyphresh @feralpony

 
This Sunday is Father’s Day! Looking for a great gift for Dad, Father, Pater, Pa, Daddy-Wiggums, or That Man Who Spawned 'n' Spurned Me? I’ve rounded up some top choices that will make Dad cry and beat you quicklike, before retiring to the "teeth optional" dive bar on the corner for the remainder of the evening.

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

At "I am a stuffed animal" you can order a stuffed version of your daddy! It's better than the taxidermized version, because it has no feet, only stumps. Daddy can snuggle it while he watches football, which he invariably does. Then daddy can molest it, which he invariably does. (Note how they captured the model's thuggish cruelty hidden beneath the friendly smile? And the fat eyebrows that sit on his brow like malignant caterpillars? That is artistry, baby!)

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

Many people who come and go? Shouldn't father sort of come and...stay? What's with the father who "goes"? Isn't he known as a shithead and a deadbeat dad? You'd do better to break this stupid faux wooden plaque over his goddamn head!

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

The World's Largest Gummy Bear! When daddy eats it his insides will gum up and he will start to have a crazyass acid trip and he will eat his socks and wind up curled in the corner like a small bean, weeping. Why are they all STARING AT ME? They glisten.

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

This T-shirt is actually pretty awesome. But if you give it to your dad, you will have to include the infant in the gift package or else he won't get the joke, think the shirt is too small, and beat the living fuck out of you.

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

Jerky of the Month Club, jerky jerkface daddy who never showed up for my ballet recitals! I hope your blood pressure shoots up to salty heights of meaty badness.

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

This Is What the World's Best Dad Looks Like. He has BOOBS. Awesome.

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

Damn, this daddy must be hot because he is spawning children faster than we can make amorphous pawprints from them! Are Jordan and Caleb the total black sheep of the family, or what? Did we run out of K names?! What about Kaleb and Kordon?

 

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

The little hearts on the base of this figurine do nothing to eliminate the fact that you have given your father an image of himself as a wild and predatory animal, sitting on the shitter. Is that how you see your father? When he is done manhandling his beer, laptop, football, cell phone, crown, paper, and woolly balls, he will take a switch to you.

You might also like: All The Beautiful Ways To Say I Love You


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