50

I am 50 days smoke free today
In some ways I can't believe it's been that long
In other ways it seems much longer
But it feels good to have reached this milestone
It's been hard work
Fighting off cravings
And trying to find something to do other than smoke, smoke, smoke
I was a dedicated and passionate smoker
I loved it
And I loved my precious cigarettes
Rewind 20 years
And that's when I had my first cigarette
A home made one with Rizla
Crudely made with cheap tobacco
And a cardboard roach for a filter
My friend Lisa taught me how to inhale
I was a diligent student
And practices day in day out
We sat beside each other in school
Pooling our money to but 10 silk cut purple at lunch
We sneaked out of the school grounds to buy them
And hid in a building site
Where we smoked 5 each in quick succession
Dizzy and light headed
We made our way back to class
Our breath stinking of smoke and mint chewing gum
We thought we were so cool
Smoking punctuated my life
There was always reason to go for a smoke
First thing in the morning
With a cup of tea at 11am
After lunch
When I was stressed
When I needed to have a good chat
When I needed to complain
To give out
To console
To celebrate
There was always a reason
I fell in love with cigarettes
With the way I could use them to attract attention
I had seen people smoke in the movies
I knew it could look sexy and smouldering and impossibly cool
I never for one minute thought about the negative health effects
It just didn't seem to matter
When there were so many positives
Then came the drug years
Money was scarce and the drug was the priority
We down graded from cigarettes to roll your own
I never took to them
My boyfriend rolled them perfectly smooth and straight
He gave out to me that mine were inferior
And utterly unsmokable
When we ran out of tobacco
We raided the ashtray
Fishing out butts and the little bit of tobacco that was left in them
Gathering it all together to make one smoke
It was pathetic
But such is life when you are addicted to the drug
Fast forward years later
And I now no longer use drugs or drink alcohol
Smoking is now my only vice
And I use that as my excuse
I smoke like it's going out of fashion
And it was
It no longer held the same allure that it once did
I smoked out of habit
And boredom
I began to hate them
And my pockets were forever empty
The only thing stopping me from giving up was the probability of weigh gain
Suddenly and without very much warning
I decide to give them up
I have never really tried before
So I kept it quiet as I wasn't confident that I would succeed
My uncle brought me back 2 cartons from Turkey
400 cigarettes
I decided when they were gone
I would give them up
It was my 'Last supper' if you will
I went to town with that 400
I smoked my head off for two weeks solid
I must have lit one every 20 minutes
Because I knew the end was coming
Then on Monday morning 11th August 2014 in London
I found myself with my last cigarette
I knew it was the end
I saved it until I was positively gagging for it
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a hot cup of tea
Got my book
And settled myself on the bench in the garden
I savoured it
Relished it
Was present for every drag and puff
All too soon it was over
I smoked it to the butt
Not wasting an inch
I put it out in the make shift flower pot ashtray that my uncle had made for me
I said a quiet goodbye
And walked away
I decided not to use any smoking cessation aids
And in the end I didn't need them
The first few weeks were easier than I thought
I didn't miss them as much as I thought I would
But now
Now it's harder
Now I crave them
Now I walk by people smoking in the street and I inhale deeply
I can't lie
I miss them
I miss them a lot
I wish I could say that I gave up smoking for health reasons
But I didn't
I gave them up because I simply couldn't afford them any more
I was spending over 100 Euro a week on them
I was constantly broke
And now I can manage my money a lot better
I can contribute to the house
I have extra money for incidentals
I can relax a little
So yes
Today is 50 days smoke free
That's 700 Euro saved that would have gone up in smoke
Was it worth it?
Yes
It most definitely was