Yes, you read that right. It’s not that I don’t want to be a grown up, but there are a few trivial things that the ‘Adult Handbook’ (DON’T LOOK IT UP IT’S REAL OKAY) says I must be able to do before I get my badge.
Fitted bed sheets
I’ve tried. Honest, I have. I have attempted every method I can think of with these poxy things and they’re just like LOLNOPE. I’ve even trapped one end inside a drawer so I can pull the sheet out straight and try to line the folds up but nope. Impossible.
I used to have two fitted sheets that I rotated accordingly, but now I just put the same sheet back on the bed as soon as it’s washed and dried! The other sheet is currently in hell a ball at the back of the airing cupboard.
Roast dinners
I think this is almost as serious as the fitted sheet situation. I’ve never met a fully fledged adult that couldn’t cook a roast dinner. Is there a class I’m missing out on? I knew I shouldn’t have dropped out of Brownies so early.
But in my defence, I don’t really like meat all that much so I’ve never been a big fan of a Sunday roast. I pretty much only eat chicken, everything else is a veggie alternative (or pasta). So how would I know how to roast a bit of beef (barf) if I don’t eat it? If I don’t eat it, I’ve never had to cook it… I think I should be given a pass on this one. Please?
Tumble drying skills
Whenever I’ve been tumble drying anyone else’s clothes I always dread having to get them out – the chances are it’s now 4 sizes smaller. Sometimes I don’t even use the dryer and just put clothes straight on the radiators (whether they’re on or not) because I’m scared I’ll ruin your brand new top.
“Oh that’s a lovely new wool jumper you’ve got there – LET ME LAUNDER IT FOR YOU!” If you hear me say those words, do everything in your power to put a stop to it. I will shrink it. And then to make it worse I probably won’t tell you that I’ve shrunk it, I’ll just try and stretch it out and then blame the garment and say it’s been badly made.
Phone conversations
Have you ever heard an adult talk on the phone? It’s amazing, they just blab away – even to important professional grown up people – without any hesitation! If I ever want to ring anybody I have to plan the day that I’m going to ring them and then psych myself up for a good 10-20 minutes on that day. I know, it’s quite pathetic. I really hate talking on the phone! I transform into a different person and somehow adopt a very serious stutter and an awkward/nervous laugh. I’ve even been known to write myself a script before making a phone call… and if that all fails I end up emailing them instead (which I’m ace at by the way). I would rather pay the extra few pounds you have to shed out when you order takeaway on JustEat than actually call them and have to speak to another human.
Alcohol consumption
I know it should be a good thing that I no longer drink, but sometimes I feel a bit daft ordering a lemonade when everyone else is on the Southern Comfort (drool). It’s not that I don’t like the taste of alcohol, it’s just that I don’t like the way it makes me feel anymore. And it’s a pretty pointless (and expensive) thing to do if you really think about it. But sometimes I still feel I should be sitting in a nice bubble bath (which is a feat since we only have a shower) with a big glass of wine after work rather than binging on Netflix with my tea…
I’ve always seen drinking as the adult thing to do! I’ve acquired a taste for black coffee though, I think that’s pretty adult… AND I can change a light bulb!
Oh, and I don’t mean to brag but I can also tie my own laces. If that doesn’t qualify for my adult badge I don’t know what will! ;)
