Your Real Horoscope: May 6-12

ARIES (March 21 – April 20): 
Haters gonna hate. Eff 'em.
TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
Be nice to that jerk today. It's not his fault you can't stand him. (Except sometimes it is. But anyway, don't kick him.)
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
At first you thought a friend had let you down, but then you remembered you don't have any friends.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
Looks like you've got a case of the Mondays. Also? The whole week's going to be like this.
LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
Do good this week. People are watching, so for once try not to fuck everything up.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
Yeah, last week was shit. This week will be (slightly) better.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Laugh your head off today (to prevent yourself from crying). Here's something for you:
 
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
Fuck, why you have to be such an exhausting pessimistic stick-in-the-mud arsehole all the time? Who do you think you are, Morrissey? Lighten. Up.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
Yeah, that guy's super-annoying but he has good gossip so make friends.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
Don't bother waiting for approvals. Don't even bother asking for approvals. Just do that shit.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
Um, spotlight syndrome much? Not everyone is looking at you, you know.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
Yeah, it's going to be super hard, but you might as well do it because you're not doing much else anyway.