TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):Grow a set and actually tell people what’s on your mind today. Note: They may not like your mind words. But them’s the breaks, eh?
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):Look at you, handling all the shit that life keeps handing to you. Good for you, superstar. This week, you’re just going to keep handing stuff real good. #InYourPants
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):Hey, Cancer! You’re going to totally rock this week out of the park! Anything’s possible, believe in your dreams, you’re a special snowflake. All that shit totally works for you this week. Get shit done. You're sitting like a boss. Like this guy:
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):Your commitment-phobe ways are going to really work for you this week, so don’t go changin’. The planets are all fucked up and zooming around and stuff, so stay loose and don’t tie yourself down ‘cause something better may be en route. I'm playing this on a boombox outside your window in the rain this week and my slouchy pants are amazing:
Don't go changin', Leo. Don't go changin'.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):Yeah, you know what? You may have some shit to deal with this week. But you can totes do it, so be not afraid. Also? Ask your friends and fam to help you.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):Don’t be an arrogant prick at work this week. Just settle the fuck down. Everyone already knows
you’re awesome. You don’t have to hit them over the head with it.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):Oh, the Sun and Jupiter have got your back this week so you can pretty much coast and good things will still come your way. Time to catch up on your shows. Have you been watching True Detective? All caught up on Downton? Use your eyes to watch that shit.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):Aw, man — all those opportunities that fucked you in the ass in the past are suddenly available to you again! But now you may not want them. But that’s cool, too. Everything’s cool, bro.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):Stay calm and carry on being a kick-ass success. Your cosmic picture right now is, like, wide open, which means you can achieve all kinds of shit. Don’t do it all at once.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):Fake it. One hundred per cent, fake that shit. Not excited about what’s on your plate this week? Fake it. It will make everything easier, plus people will totes buy your faux enthusiasm and they’ll think you’re doing awesomely.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): One of the hardest and most important things in life is figuring out what you want, what you really want. Take some quiet time this week to envision your perfect life. Then start making some changes to bring your reality more inline with your dreams. Jupiter’s going to help you, yo.
