Valentine’s Day.
For many, it’s the most loathesome 24 hours in the world–for someone single OR for someone who desperately wants to t
I hate that word–”lovers’. I saw “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” in a theater as a kid and the word was bandied about so often that my Jr. Mints actually made me sick. I hear it today and I get queasy.
I don’t know–Valentine’s Day for many women consistently equals being disappointed. Either the day is completely forgotten or the present is so paltry and ill-conceived, it’s not worth it. I know–it’s not supposed to be about the material things, but come on….I know a lot of women who put a great deal of time, money and expense into gift giving for their partners and this is often, something that completely escapes men. Not all, but certainly some.
My sister once conveyed this Valentine’s Day horror story. She came home from work and found a package of Peanut M&Ms on the table with a Post It note attached and scrawled across it was, “Happy V.D. Day”. That’s all. There was no thought involved. Hell, this ‘gift’ barely makes it to ‘afterthought’ status.
Well, I’m not a pharmacist, but I hardly think that even the chocolately goodness of peanut M&Ms would be any medicinal match for treating a venereal disease of any kind. Her feelings were hurt and understandably so. She gave her husband a brand new drill for his “V.D. Day”.
By the way, that man is now my EX brother in law, thank you very much.
Anyway…
There’s something so forced about a day specifically set aside for love. My question then is–what happens to love during the year’s other 364 days? Oh, I know; we just use Valentine’s Day to celebrate love on a particular day, but come on, shouldn’t romance be part of the equation all the time? I mean, what happened to coming home after work, poppin’ a few cold ones, slamming ‘em back on the couch with a little Gino Vanelli playing on the 8-track as background music, then one thing leads to another, hormones act on cue then be bop a loo bop, you’re both smokin’ a Lucky???
LET’S TALK CHOCOLATE
There are plenty of affordable, heart-shaped boxes containing waxy, slightly graying chocolates out there which you can get just about anywhere.
But if you really want to impress the sweet tooth belonging to the object of your affection, buy him or her Richart chocolates which are deemed to be absolutely decadently sinful in flavor and the one of the most draining on your wallet. I’ve heard these chocolates are truly a heavenly experience.
Here’s why: Richart chocolate is made from 70 percent Criollo cocoa from Venezuela . This stuff is considered the best cocoa in the world.
It sells for $120 a pound.
Well, Richart chocolate might be made from the best cocoa, but hardly the most expensive chocolate one can buy. That honor belongs to a truffle made by Knipschildt. German sounding, yes….Connecticut based, most assuredly.
This chocolatier founded his brand of rich, brown death in 1999.c Fritz Knipschildt got his culinary education as a chef in Denmark. The most-expensive chocolate he sells is a $250 dark chocolate truffle with a French black truffle inside–is available on a preorder-only basis. It’s the most expensive that researchers at Forbes could find. The truffle is made of 70% Valrhona cacao, which is blended into a creamy ganache with truffle oil. The truffle is then hand-rolled with a dark truffle on the inside and dusted with cocoa powder covering it.
Want a pound of these truffles beautifully wrapped in a box called, “Chocopologie”? That’s easy to do if you have a spare $2,600 lying around.
THE CAVIA
Thinking about making this Valentine’s Day a memorable and romantic event? Could this be the one in which a true declaration of love is made? Then don’t forget the caviar. And since we’re talking about the best and most expensive, you’ll have to go with Almas caviar. It comes from the Iranian side of the Caspian Sea and since no other country in the world has a decent relationship with Iran, that’s on of the reason why Almas is extremely rare and extremely expensive. The other reason is that these little roe come from albino osetra sturgeon in the 60 to 100 years old range . The eggs are a pale amber color and have a taste that celebrated by food gourmets and chefs the world over says it to die for. The only known outlet is the Caviar House & Prunier in London England’s Piccadilly that sells a kilo of the expensive Almas caviar in a 24-karat gold tin for $25,000.
GETTIN’ BUBBLY
You have to wash that caviar down with something, dontcha? Well, you have a lot of options when it comes to beverages. Some of my Fellow Ovarians would be happy with a six pack; some with a nice Teqila, or if they’re like me, a good 18 year old Scotch would suit them just fine, but if money is no object and expensive champagne is the only thing suitable to go with your expensive chocolates and rarefish eggs, then I have a suggestion. Go for the gold.
This ‘liquid gold” is called “Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck” and it’s a bargain at $275,000. Yes, you read that right. One bottle costs a quarter of a million dollars and here’s why. For starters, they’re old. These hundred year old bottles of Champagne from the Heidsieck vineyard in Champagne took over eighty years to reach their destination. Shipped to the Russian Imperial family in 1916, and then shipwreck off the coast of Finland caused this champagne to be lost at sea until divers discovered over 200 bottles in 1997.
Wanna pick one up? If you’re ever near the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow, stop by and barter your first born male child. Maybe they’ll let you look at a bottle…..
From a distance.
AN EXPENSIVE WHINE
Before the most recent deep pocketed Daddy War Bucks bought it, it lived in a protective wine cellar that belonged to an anonymous Swiss collector and was sold at an auction at Christie’s in Geneva.
Experts say it’s just as tasty as it was 50 years ago and will be equally as nummy for the next 50 years without any problems.
GOT A BEER JONES??
Beer lovers with tons of discretionary income, fear not. You too can have your extremely expensive beer and drink it too this Valentine’s Day. In fact, the world’s most expensive beer is brewed right here on red, white and blue soil.
Samuel Adams’ Utopias sells for $190 for a 24-ounce bottle and here’s why: this beer has been aged for as long as 19 years — in bourbon casks for hints of vanilla and maple, and to finish, in Portuguese port casks to pick up dark fruit aromas and in Nicaraguan rum barrels to gain fig and raisin notes. Beer aficionados compare it to cognac, and accordingly, are meant to be sipped in about a two-ounce pour served at room temperature. Now, we all know this will not be a beer along the lines of the can of Natty Lite or a Budweiser long neck you’re used to, but you WILL be getting more beer bang for your buck. Utopias beer is potent. We’re talking an alcohol content of 29% alcohol.
That would make an impression for a first gift on a first date. This is serious make-out serum.
But keep in mind that Utopias aren’t all that easy to come by–only 15,000 bottles are available worldwide, and most get scooped up before ever reaching store shelves.
I WANT TO BUY MY OLD MAN A WATCH
And no, not something 1960′s watcher shill, John Cameron Swayze put on the rudder of a small boat engine. Today’s discriminating wealthy broad wants something that’s pretty and pricey and she will find that in a yellow gold pocket watch by premier watchmaker Patek Philippe. The timepiece known as the Henry Graves super-compilation from 1932 sold at Sotheby’s 14 years ago for a mere $11,002,500.00
Yes, you read that right.
Generally speaking, experts believe this watch would sell for around three to five million, but due to some intense competition during the 1999 auction, bids went through the roof. This watch has two faces, 24 functions and four years to build.
I was curious as to who exactly, Patek Phillipe was or is. It turns out the watchmaker is a like a huge multi-ethnic Benetton ad with a swift, second hand.
Antoni Patek was a Polish artisan who started making pocket watches in Geneva back in 1839. A few years later, Patek joined with French watchmaker, Adrien Philippe, the inventor of the keyless winding mechanism. The conjoined Patek Philippe & Company was founded in 1851 and is considered the king of watchmakers. Here’s why–kings and queens are the only ones who can afford ‘em.
In 1851, Patek Philippe started supplying its watches to Queen Victoria and her consort, Prince Albert. Vickie received a a key-wound Patek Philippe watch created in a pendant style in November 1851 during the Great Exhibition of London. The queen owned one more exclusive Patek Philippe timepiece, to be worn pinned to clothing. Other blue blooded clientele include the monarchs of Denmark, the king of Italy and Duke of Savoy) and Hussein Kamel, the Sultan of Egypt from 1914 to 1918.
A REALLY PRICEY WATCH FOR MY LADY
Try this one on for size all you size queens. The multi- colored monstrosity to your left IS the 201 carat Chopard. It features three heart-shaped diamonds, the pink one weighs 15 carats, the blue one weighs 12 carats and the white diamond comes in at a paltry 11 carats. They’re set in a bracelet encrusted with clusters of white pear-shaped diamonds arrange in flower motifs, with a yellow diamond standing up from the center of each. Total carat weight of the white and yellow diamonds is 163 carats, while the total carat weight of the watch is 201 carats.
The watch has a spring-loaded mechanism which, when pressed, allows the three heart shapes to mechanically open up, much the way the petals of a flower will in the sunshine. The watch face, pavé-set with small round yellow diamonds, is exposed from underneath the heart-shaped diamonds.
It’s price tag? A mere $25 million….pocket change for a sultan.
Personally speaking, I’m not a fan. I’ve seen costume jewelry that looks just like this.
THAT’S ONE BIG ASS DIAMOND
Take a gander at the photo I’ve included.
This is a 105 carat diamond (21.6 grams) diamond that was once the largest known diamond in the world. The Koh-I-Noor was originated at Golconda in the Andhra Pradesh state of India. It was owned by various Sikh, Mughal and Persian rulers that fought each other from time to time. The stone measures 36.00 × 31.90 × 13.04 mm–I have no idea what that is in terms of US measurement.
But trust me kids, it’s big. Really big.
The gem remains the property of the British crown and is kept in the Tower of London where it lives there with more than two thousand other diamonds.
For you curious sorts, the stone is set in the Maltese Cross at the front of the crown made for Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother.
I’D RATHER GIVE HER A PURSE
Perhaps you do, but pound per pound you won’t come out that much cheaper. The world’s most expensive purses are pricey to say the least. One is made by the folks at Ginza Tanaka and the price tag on it reads $1.9 million dollars. Ginza Tanaka is a
Why is a handbag selling for almost two million dollars? I would think the fact that it’s covered in over 2,000 diamonds totaling 208 carats would be one reason. The bag’s other features make it truly special, too. It’s not made of leather. N,o this bag is made out of platinum, a very expensive and difficult metal to work for such a project. Another reason? The purse is a fashion transformer. The strap and clasp can be detached and worn as a necklace and brooch.
That 1.9 million dollar baby is the second most expensive purse.
The MOST expensive purse according to Guinness Book of World Records is the Mouawad’s 1001 Nights Diamond Purse which will cost you 3.8 million dollars to own. I would
The heart-shaped purse is handcrafted from 18kt gold and has 4,517 diamonds (4,356 colorless, 105 yellow, 56 pink) with a total weight of 381.92 carats. It was made by ten artisans who worked on it for a total of 8,800 hours.
LINGERIE
This is treading in uncertain territory guys. You have to really know your gift recipient when it comes to lingerie and I mean ‘know’ her in the biblical sense.
The world’s most expensive lingerie is a little on the kinky side. It’s made by a British company called Bordelle. Founded in 2007 by Alexandra Popa and Javier Suarez, Bordelle updates the vintage classics with a decidedly modern flare. Slinky, sexy, and utterly sensual. I would imagine the royals go gaga for these. Their trademark bondage dresses start at $500 and go as high as $1400, Bordelle isn’t for the faint of heart or faint of wallet. And obviously the picture indicates this lingerie isn’t for the hefty of body, either.
GOING FLORAL
Flowers (roses in particular) are a mainstay gift presented to lovers on this auspicious day of reckless spending under the guise of ‘possibly gettin’ some’.
So, because I am in the business of edutainment, here’s everything you always wanted to know about roses and never wanted to ask. But as I always say, an informed rose buyer has absolutely no life.
A little background, if I may: a rose is a perennial flower shrub of the genus Rosa, within the family Rosacae (just like the red, rashy looking stuff that appears on your cheeks after a steamy shower or mass consumption of delicious red tannin heavy wines.). The botanical name is Rose Centifolia. This is your standard issue rose you’d find in your standard issue Miss America bouquet, but I strongly suggest you not enter the nearest “Flowers By Bruce” shop and ask for it by that name. You’ll get a strange look or maybe even slapped, especially if Bruce is in a “mood”.
Or in a snit.
The rose family, like the Kennedy’s, is a big one; it contains over 100 species and comes in a variety of colors. The species form a group of erect shrubs, and climbing or trailing plants, with stems that are often armed with sharp prickles. Most are native to Asia, with smaller numbers of species native to Europe, North America, and northwest Africa.
The leaves are alternate and pinnately compound in appearance, with sharply toothed oval-shaped leaflets. The plant’s fleshy edible fruit, which ripens in the late summer through autumn, is called a rose hip–I’ve never seen one in the wild, but the vitamins and herbal section at Kroger is lousy with bottles of these things. Rose plants range in size from compact, miniature roses, to climbers that can reach several feet in height.
The name rose comes from French, itself from Latin, rosa, which was borrowed from Oscan, from Greek rhodion, which is an old Persian word meaning flower.
If you intend on giving roses this year, you should also know that according to certain anal-retentives in the flower biz, the color of the rose(s) you give, has significance.
Those meanings are as follows:
Red - On Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with red. Everything is red on Valentine’s Day. But before you send red roses to your mother, consider that red flowers symbolize romantic love. Not just that — red roses are about passion, desire, and even eroticism. Want to have a fiery Valentine’s Day? In other words, wanna get lucky? Send red roses. Red carnations if you’re on a budget, though carnations really and truly are the cubic zirconias of the flower world.
Dark Red - A deeper red flower symbolizes a deeper kind of love. These are the flowers you send to your wife of 20 years. Dark red flowers convey a message of strong true love. They also symbolize beauty and perfection — and Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to tell someone they’re beautiful and perfect.
Yeah…uh huh.
Black - Who would send black flowers on Valentine’s Day? This color typically signifies a loss or a goodbye, so gift guides often tell you to save black flowers for breakups — but who sends flowers to someone they’re dumping?!? Black flowers don’t have to mean good riddance — they also symbolize elegance, power, and mystery. Does your darling have a dark side? Maybe he or she would appreciate a unique bouquet of black flowers on what they might otherwise feel is an over-the-top, sickeningly sweet holiday. With black flowers, you’re telling the recipient that you appreciate their unique personality. Black roses can also represent that a relationship isn’t going quite as well as it should.
Receiving a bouquet of black roses could pose the question, “Aren’t you dead yet?”
Yellow - Yellow is the color of friendship, so these are not the flowers to send to your boyfriend or girlfriend. A yellow flower symbolizes joy and happiness, so you might send these to a good friend as a “thinking of you” gift, or you could send them as congratulations — chances are, you know someone who got engaged this Valentine’s Day. When you combine yellow roses with red roses, you’re celebrating the beginning of a new relationship. This could be how you start to say “I’m falling in love with you.”
And here’s a clue for you, Skippy: despite all the hype you’ve heard about Texas and its connection to yellow roses, never give a woman from Texas yellow roses, unless she either asks for them specifically or she’s coming back to her home state after a prolonged absence. Present her with a single yellow rose or a bouquet of them at the airport or immediately upon exiting the bus, car or boat. It is also permissible to give yellow roses to a woman who’s never been to Texas before. Otherwise, disregard them as a floral gift and only regard them as part of the lyrics to an old song about an even older San Antonio prostitute.
And you know what they say about green M&M’s, don’t you? They melt in your hand.
And then there’s that silly old wives’ tale that M&M’s make you horny. Never worked for me as well as a bottle of Stoli, but whatever works, right?? Green is also the color of fertility. Whether you want to start trying to expand your family, or you’ve been waiting to share big news with someone, green flowers are a good icebreaker. It isn’t the prettiest rose in the hot-house in my opinion, but if you need a conversation starter before you hop in the sack, this should do the trick. And if you must dye a rose, please don’t go for the the electric lime green color. Look for something deeper in shade. It’s more romantic, more sophisticated which might lead to faster hopping in the sack time.
And from what I hear, green roses go great with a gift wrapped package of Viagra.
Pink - Girls, don’t send pink flowers to your boyfriend — this is just emasculating. The pink Polo shirts they wear is more than enough. Pink roses signify femininity, sweetness, and charm. A pink flower in general says “You’re a doll!” Put pink and white roses together and the bouquet will scream “wedding!” even though neither color on its own is traditionally a romantic flower.
Peach - Soft oranges and pinks are warm colors, so peach flowers say to someone “I’m so comfortable with you.” They signify appreciation, and sometimes gratitude. It’s a way of telling someone their kindness does not go unnoticed and that you could never, ever like them in “that way”. In my lifetime, I’ve never been given an orchard full or peach colored roses. Sigh…(and hint)
Orange – (If you like these, ask for “Fire and Ice Roses which are burnt orange and deep yellow/gold in color) This rose symbolizes fascination, and maybe a hint of mischief. Orange roses are the perfect gift from a secret admirer, but be prepared to reveal yourself soon. Having a secret admirer is fun for a while, but then it drives a person crazy! Maybe your orange flowers could be the start of a new relationship.
Lavender - (Also known as Sterling Roses and Laurie Kendrick’s fave rave if anyone is keeping score) Purple is the color of nobility, so when you send your lover purple flowers, you are showing them that you put them on a pedestal. This unique color is also a symbol of trust — always an important component of any loving relationship. They are beautiful and rare. And rare, in wallet-speak, means expensive.
LET’S GET INTO GIFTS
First of all gentlemen, if you’re wife or girlfriend ever tells you she wants NOTHING for Valentine’s Day, don’t believe it. We say that when we only order a dinner salad on the first date and only eat half of it for fear you’ll think us sweat hogs.
Always get her something. Nothing means something and it should fit A) your level of feelings for her and B) what you can afford.
Valentine’s Day isn’t a day for being practical I wouldn’t give a toaster or an appliance, unless of course, your lady fair wants one. Stuffed animals are also part of the Valentine’s Day gift giving tradition, but unless she asks for one in particular, never give a woman over age 19 a stuffed animal.
Ever.
Sure they’re cute, but beyond the Clearasil and cavity prone years, they make lame…lame…lame gifts.
THINK JEWELRY INSTEAD
Did I also mention estate sales?
So, there you go.
I mentioned the world’s most expensive diamond a couple of paragraphs ago but you don’t have to shell out a lot of money for jewelry. I mean, unless you can actually see the flaws in the stones without a jeweler’s loupe. If that’s the case keep on walking, but there are affordable diamonds out there. Seek and ye shall find and know that you have options on what you want to buy and how much you want to spend. It’ll be worth it: candy, roses and bejeweled trinkets work well.
Very, very, well.
Whatever you do, be it a grand, sweeping gesture or something simple, just put a little thought into it. Make the effort. Get creative. And include a nice card and in it, write someone from your heart. Say I love you using other words.
But if that’s not meant to be; if gift giving is not in the cards because you’re broke…or stuck in a non-demonstrative union or stuck in a miserable relationship that makes you want to apply hammers blows to your own knee caps, or perhaps if you’re single and unattached despite your best efforts and intentions, then take heart. All is not lost. Being loveless doesn’t make you a lesser human. After all, February 14th is just another day on the calendar; no different from February 13th or the 15th.
The reality is love isn’t for everyone. Only when we realize that we, ourselves are the right person within ourselves, can we attract Mr. Or Miss Right. Until you can achieve that level of authenticity, Cupid’s aim can be terribly, horribly off. He’s not always the best shot as it is. The little cherub often makes mistakes.
And when that happens and you’re his mistaken target, the best revenge for a horribly failed love relationship is best served…..in the back.
Happy Valentine’s Day, kids.
