Those closest to me would describe me as somewhat of a commitment phobe. While I disagree with this word choice, I cannot deny the walls I put up with a new special someone. I don't easily let my guard down to let people in. I have to be absolutely certain about a person before I can really let them in.This isn't something new, this is something I've done for a while. But I never really put thought into why I am this way until recently.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 15 or 16 years old. I was crazy about this guy. But a couple months later, he broke up with me out of the blue. I didn't see it coming and I was devastated.
That was almost eight years ago...and I'm still affected by it.
When I realized how big of an impact this relationship had on me, I couldn't believe it. I've been over that guy for soo long, yet I haven't subconsciously forgotten how he hurt me?
When we were young and in love for the first time, we didn't know how it felt to be broken up with, cheated on or hurt by someone we cared so much for. We didn't know until it happened. That shock and heart-sinking hurt hit you like a ton of bricks.
Though we were young, we certainly learned lessons from those first relationships. We didn't want to remain naive about love and run into that pain again. So we protect ourselves.
We don't easily let new love interests in, like we did back then. We don't as easily trust new love interests, like we did back then. We don't as easily open up to someone new, like we did back then. And we certainly don't jump into a new relationship without thinking a second thought, like we did back then.
We got hurt the first time around (and maybe the second, third, fourth or more times), we have our armor on now so it doesn't happen again.
But the only problem with constantly protecting ourselves from hurt is that we're also keeping ourselves from finding something great. You put up a tough front and you don't seem too eager. The other person might think you're not interested in having something with them. They can't read you. The list goes on and on, but the bottom line is that always having your guard up probably means that you're single, even if you don't want to be anymore.
I'm not saying that you should just go around and spill your life story and feelings for every person you go out on date with. But when you come across someone you truly are interested in and can see something with, it may be worth biting the bullet and saying "I like you" or "I'm interested in you" and letting your guard down just a little bit.The worst that could happen is that those sentiments don't get reciprocated. And then you know where you stand with that person before you get too involved with them.
I know this is something easier said than done because it's something I struggle with. But at this point, I would rather have my feelings hurt than not pursue something that could be truly amazing.
xoxo Nickie
