I would love to look like either of those two beautiful women but I don't think the 'fat version' quite cuts it.
Consider this blog post 'My big fat story'.
Awkward Face.. Awkward Article!
You see, I've been 'Fat' all my life.When I was 12 years old I weighed in at 10 stone and was without doubt the fattest person in my school. I was aware of being fat and wanting to loose weight from the age of about 6 or 7.
Yes, I was unhealthy at that weight and unhappy but only because the girls would laugh at my fat ass or my Deirdre Barlow glasses and the boys would never want to 'catch' me during kiss and chase during playtime (there was only so far my fat ass could run anyway!). I didn't look like a spice girl, I wasn't the fastest runner and I wasn't cool because of it.
This went on into high School where I grew a bit and was 5,7 in height before I knew it. Not just that but other things started to erm... Grow. (Ya' know what I'm sayin' girls?) so I became a little more balanced out but I was still nowhere near 'thin' or 'slim' and a small minority of the kids at my school would still call me 'thunder thighs' or would just find something else to pick on - my glasses or my hair or my teeth.
I started piling on the pounds and before I knew it, I was fatter than ever before and I would spend my time thinking of another excuse to get out of P.E or worrying about whether the biggest school jumper size would fit me, or how I was going to get to the top floor for registration in time because I kept having to stop for breath. One teacher even told me once "you're out of puff Holly, you need to work out!) I was 15 and FULLY AWARE of the fact that I was out of breath! Idiot! Who says that to a 15 year old? I was also sweating like I'd ran a marathon and because of that I started to smell (Cringe!) and some other people would pick up on it - naturally. So I just wanted to avoid any activity.
I was 17 and was shopping with my little sisters in town one day when a few people from one of my classes decided to start throwing fat jibes at me in the middle of the street. I burst out crying and had a panic attack on the spot and not one adult (who witnessed it) stopped to help me. I felt like I was fat and alone.
I had a big chip in my shoulder. I would be paranoid that people were slagging me off, that they were throwing me filthy looks, that no-one liked me. It was all in my head, I had good friends at school (although there weren't too many of them!) and in all honesty a lot of the people who had made little comments about me weren't bullies or nasty people, they were just kids finding their feet and let's face it we've all made comments about things we're not proud of. A hairstyle, a fashion faux pas or a pair of shorts that are too short are all things I've laughed at before and it doesn't make me a bad person (or maybe it does) but it makes me the exact same as the people who made comments about me, the people who I 'hated' because they happened to make a flip comment or laughed at a joke at my expense.
By the time my sixth year prom came around, I was a UK size 26 and couldn't find a prom dress anywhere to fit me. On top of that, my family were less than financially 'well off' and so we had to make do with what we could afford (2 stripe active trousers instead of 3 stripe Adidas, Sindy dolls instead of Barbie, you know the drill!)
In the end up I went with a floor length red skirt and halter neck top from Etam that in hindsight looked awful, but I was just relieved there was something I could wear. When I arrived at prom, all the girls looked amazing with their gorgeous dresses and hairdo's. I just felt like a big frumpy mess and while all the girls danced the night away with the kilted guys that were there, I just sat at a table and spoke to some teachers. (I knew how to party.) I was afraid to even talk to some of the girls because I didn't know what to say to them. It wasn't their fault, but prom was a nightmare for me - it was all my own fault.
I have no-one else to blame but myself for being fat. My parents encouraged me to eat healthily, they always gave me fruit and veg but when I went to my aunties or grandparents house after school I just gorged on crap! I was never the kid that wanted to go outside and play, so I never burned off anything I ate. I would save my lunch money up and spend it all at the sweets van that came to school. I was determined to comfort eat and to be like the skinny kids who all ate what they wanted. I knew I was fat, I knew how to stop making myself fatter, I just didn't do it.
Nowadays, Im a UK size 20/22 so I have lost a bit of weight since I was 18 (I'm now 27!) but I've not lost anywhere near like enough to make me feel confident, to make me happy and content knowing that people who smile at me in the street aren't laughing at my cankles. It's all my own fault that I worry about health and constantly compare myself to others, so although other people would make comments about me, it's all my own fault, they're not bad people, they're just people. It's me with the problem, not them.
I started blogging about beauty and over time branched out into plus size fashion because I really needed to do something to make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I want to be me. The best version of me whether that 'best version' is a size 12 or 22. I really wanted to let you all know (yes, you that's reading this!) that I'm nowhere near perfect, that I had my 'awkward' stage, that I can be a paranoid mess sometimes and I'm not naturally confident in my own skin, despite all the selfie's or fashion photo's of me you see on here.
While I will always want to be thin, It doesn't mean I don't want to be me. I just want to be the best version of me. There is only one me, and there is only one you. Don't let 'fat' define you. I did, and I'm moving on from it. Get the chip out of your shoulder and live your life. It's what I plan on doing.
I'm not a fat version of Cheryl Cole, I'm a fat version of me.
All My Love (and cupcakes, I can share... sometimes.)
If you have any stories or comments about me, leave them in the comments below! Also if you would like to see more posts like this, then please let me know.
Holly xxxxxxx
