Ah, wedding gifts. Bane of both marrieds and singletons alike, with so many considerations. Do you know the couple? How well? What do you think their expectations are? Do you do registry, cash or give a gift a go? After all of the worried, agonizing thought you’re putting into it, do you even go? We can’t tell you what to give, but we can tell you what NOT to give as a reference point. The following are real, harrowing wedding gift tales:
Couldn’t Be Cheaper, Could You?
It’s alright if you don’t have the money. Most couples are just happy to have you there. Really. It’s not just a Hallmark cliché. But if you’ve got just a few pennies in your pocket, don’t bother. Here are a few chump-change gifts some couples received: a brick, nicely wrapped with the sugary sentiment of ‘a cornerstone for your hearth.’ Right…erm, no. A doily. An alarm clock, won from a one-handed bandit, with the logo of the casino. And…last, but not least… garbage bags. To ‘help with the clean up.’
Re-Gifting Is Not an Art Form
Most of us have done it, many back to the original perps. But no matter how hard you try to cover up your tracks of re-gifting the truth will out. In the form of: thank you notes from a different couple. Or an auntie’s attic frame with the original picture still underneath. Or how about the engraved silverware that didn’t have the right initials? When you’re rummaging around the house looking for a memorable present, stop. They will find out, to everyone’s chagrin.
But I Thought It Was Funny-!
You may think you and the bride or groom share the same sense of humor. Maybe you do. But don’t unfurl your best gag on their frelling wedding day, in front of grandma, okay? I can’t imagine the reactions and stuttered explanations required for giving the couple a cola can full of fresh marijuana; or the coffee table book of sex positions that weren’t for the weak of heart; or lastly the gun loaded with one bullet. Isn’t that what the bachelorette’s/bachelor’s night out is all about?
My Taste Is Impeccable
Yeah but no but yeah but no. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it stands to reason that so is taste. Which means even though your collection of lawn dwarves is priceless, it doesn’t mean the couple will share your appreciation. This also includes gifts of: art. Porcelain. Lingerie. Talking fish. Stuffed animals. Writing them poetry. If you feel the need to share the wealth of your style, buy them a gift certificate to a shop you admire, and let them choose their own. Please. I promise they will thank you.
I’m sure there are many traumatized couples that can add to this list, but these are the basic rules of thumb of what not to buy for a wedding gift. Why waste your time, effort and money on something that will go into a dusty, forgotten corner, hidden with relief? If you really want to gift them with something of value, show up.
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