I’ve been struggling with a strong case of Working Mom Guilt (WMG) lately. I think it is a combination of a few different things, with “work being frustrating as of late” at the top of the list. When you really enjoy all the time you spend at work, it makes being away from your child a whole heck of a lot easier. And while I still love my job, for the last ten days or so I have not liked my job (this too shall pass) and it makes that morning kiss goodbye a little bit more difficult. Add to that the fact that Gracie is more attached to me lately, so she fusses when B takes her off to daycare for the day and clings to me mightily when I arrive to pick her up…well it all tugs on my heartstrings.
The truth is though, WMG doesn’t make me special. Everyone has their struggles. All Moms have their “grass is greener/wouldn’t it be easier” days. Some days I find myself thinking “Being a ____ (work at home, stay at home, part time worker) would be so much easier” but I think we all know that is patently false. It is just different, and when you are staring down at a calendar of the same old same old day in and day out, different has its appeal. Stay at home Moms probably pine for time alone or grown up time, working from home Moms wish they had space for solitude, everyone wishes for something a little different somtimes. Right now all I crave are a few uninterrupted days with my family, with my work email turned off and my stress level being below a 4. An hour with Gracie that isn’t dedicated to getting things done around the house or making a grocery list or getting dinner on the table. I want to watch the Today Show while I drink my coffee and eat breakfast with my kiddo and go to the playground.
On a deeper level, I want her to know that while I love my job, I love her more and I think about her and what she is doing all day long. When she goes to bed her Dad and I talk about how awesome she is, and her pictures cover my desk and my phone screen. Her daily reports from daycare make my day, reading about what she did and what she loved, and I wish somehow I could be there doing it all with her while also being at work. Two places at once, is that too much to ask?
The other night I was trying to box up some of her twelve month clothes and get out bigger sizes and she wanted to play and I found myself ignoring her. Suddenly, about 15 minutes before her bedtime it hit me how little time I really get with her, and how I was wasting what I had trying to tackle something on my “to do” list. The memory of it makes my cheeks flush and my stomach clench, and that night I scooped her out of her crib as she slept and just rocked with her in the dark. She is growing up so fast and I think I’m afraid I’m missing it all.
