If someone had told me 3
Today I was shocked to see my name listed in the Brilliance In Blogging Awards 2013, in the Inspire category. I felt humbled and proud, I smiled and then I felt the tears fill my eyes as 3 and a half years ago I wanted to end my life, today I fight with tooth and nail to fight my illness.
To know what I do inspires others is heart-warming, a true inspiring feeling that makes me want to fight even harder to raise awareness and prove to others there is a reason to fight your demons.
The Inspire Category; The content, the voice, the infectious enthusiasm of these bloggers encourages everyone around them. They are seen as leaders in their field and their inspiration is felt through the community.
Three years ago I was at such a low point in my life. I still find it difficult to talk about as I no longer remember that person or how I became that way. It frightens me.
Waking each morning was painful; I prayed each night that I would be taken as I slept. I no longer had the strength to continue.
I was trapped in a downhill spiral of depression and mania, suicide played on my mind every hour of every day.
Shockingly I was 4 months pregnant with my 6th child and my children were nothing more than a constant reminder of how useless and worthless I was. I had failed them, my family, friends and myself.
My husband had to care for me, unable to even cook a simple meal as cutlery became a danger; I had already stabbed him in the head with a folk, the chip pan was causing delusions and I watched as I placed my hand in there, the bubbling fat sizzling my hand, this was a strong desire.
I watched as my children would fall, hurt themselves and I stood motionless to the spot, this was all in my head. They were not hurt yet I had watched it happen.
I began to see people, mostly a dark figure, taunting me. Nobody else could see him. His face would appear at the window, smirking at me. Those dark piercing eyes would stare at me, I sat frozen and he was not really there, this was all inside my head.
I was afraid, confused and a danger to everyone around me. I was not to be left alone, definitely not with my children.
Have you any idea how that feels?
To feel so afraid of being left alone with your babies that you beg someone to stay with you at all times, despite medical professionals telling me I was only a danger to myself, it fell on deaf ears. I felt like a complete freak.
Leaving the house became excruciating for me. I would sob the moment I took a step outside. I have no idea why I was so scared but that world outside was too horrific for me to face. I crumbled.
Family and friends could do nothing to reassure me; I hid so much from them.
In the end I had no choice. Nobody even knew I was 4 months pregnant, my husband broke my silence by speaking out, he begged for help.
I did agree to go to the GP. The rest is history as they say.
It has taken over 3 and half years to be able to stand with my head almost held high.
So much has happened in that time; you can read about those challenges here on the blog but I have learned so much about myself from starting this blog.
Who Inspires You?
I have had the pleasure of meeting so many inspiring people. These people, mainly mothers have supported me and stood by me despite my past and the struggles I still face today.
So many tell me I inspire them, yet they are inspirational and give me the strength to continue my own self journey to recovery.
I have met women who were sexually abused or raped, yet fought to overcome their fear of men and move on to be happy and then fight to become survivors and refuse to stay victims.
Women who were stripped of their identity, their self-worth or beaten by their abusers who have picked themselves back up off the floor and stand proud today, inspiring others to leave abusive relationships.
So many have found the strength to go and speak to a health professional about depression, self-harm or an addiction. They thank me for inspiring them to do so, yet they fail to see that it is they who are strong and courageous.
I am so proud of the women who share their experiences here on the blog, I know how difficult it is to share your deepest fears and the fear of judgment is always there. I commend so many of them speaking out for the very first time, with the sole aim being to educate or inspire others.
I feel truly honoured to be part of such a loving and supportive community. I am just the voice; there are hundreds of women who make this possible for me. Without them sharing their experiences the blog would not be able to help as many as it does.
To be shortlisted is an amazing achievement; I feel I have already won.
The friendships I have made along the way outweigh all the tears of frustration and self-doubt I have of my ability to write and update this blog.
If you would like to see the blog in the finals then you can vote today; Vote for The Real Supermum
We are already winners, the mothers who help me are amazing and I will never be able to express my gratitude to them. They are the foundation on which the Facebook group, the blog and I are built.
Who Inspires You? Each and every mom out there fighting their own demons yet striving to be great mums, women and friends are who inspires me.
