I am having one of those days today where literally have no idea where I have gone, where the fun loving, animal rights, hippie girl from 10 years ago has disappeared to. Don't get me wrong, this isn't going to be a depressing post about all the things I have lost to my disease....we have all lost things, so let's not dwell, this is simply another part of chronic diseases that isn't covered by the doctors and rarely covered online.
This isn't about losing me either; I still uphold my animal rights beliefs, I still don flowers in my hair and I am adding to my tattoo collection year after year. This is about brain fog, fear of our own bodies and simply not being able to be the person that we are in our heads the majority of the time.
Feeling like you are not you...
Often brain fog can cause us to simply feel so far removed from ourselves that we cannot function as the person that we were. Firstly, this is OK, you are not losing your mind or going to actually be a different person. It is just that cloud that descends over you, turning you from a person with a fabulous memory into someone with a not so fabulous one...or in my case ZERO ability to remember anything. The most important thing to remember is that you are allowed to be a different version of yourself, a better, stronger, tougher one.
You are never going to be the same person once you have been fighting for your health. I am a lot more serious, I have a lot more integrity and I certainly look at others in a much more open way. That doesn't meant that I feel like myself all of the time when I am foggy. I get very anxious very quickly, almost like flipping a light switch. I can go from happiness to extreme anger in 10 seconds, something that loved ones find very difficult to understand. Before I became ill I was extremely passive and relaxed; this is probably the trait in myself that I miss the most. However when you have constant blood tests, constant fear of yourself and you have to push through every day, I am going to be far more stressed.
I have noticed that my dreams are different....
Last night I had a dream about being in the hospital and being told they are taking me off the Hydroxychloriquine and putting me on Mathotrexate. Now this isn't the worst dream, there is nothing wrong with changing medications and in many ways I would love to come off the Hydroxy, but what struck me is that I now often dream about my health.
Sometimes I dream that I am in the hospital receiving good news, sometimes bad news and sometimes I even dream about being a perfectly healthy woman. It just hit me this morning that because my life has changed so have my dreams. I find it sad that I can no longer dream of random events that may or may not have happened, now my dreams are filled with hospitals, drugs or even the person that I used to be. Now I know that this is my subconscious and I cannot control what I dream about, but this is still just another example of how my personality has changed.
Often the exhaustion leads to me not quite being able to understand myself...
"Cass you are talking gibberish" Oh yes I am, mainly because I no longer have the energy to make a complete sentence. This happens so often that quite often I end up confusing myself with what I say. This level of random gibberish has lead to arguments, mainly because I have got frustrated at myself. It has also lead to me completely losing my confidence. I mean, if you cannot trust what you are saying then what can you trust. More often than not, I do not understand my point of view, almost like I have forgotten how to have an opinion on anything, or a reason for talking about the subjects I do. Even if in my head they make complete sense.
I know I am not alone in this. Their are many of us out there that have lost our confidence in ourselves; I sometimes get quite anxious about this and worry about what people think of me. Sometimes I repeat myself, especially certain words, because I cannot think of others. I noticed this happening on Saturday when I was around some people I had never met before. Maybe it was the nerves or the stress, but I couldn't come up with new words....and I am a writer....not great for my confidence.
There is only one thing to remember here, one strategy that I have developed over the years and that is to remind myself that as long as I am talking, walking, up and dressed, then I am fine. If others judge me, do not understand or think that I am talking gibberish then so be it. I cannot change who I am and how I try to survive. I am me and that is enough.......
