Where Did the Sparkle Go?

This goes back to the days before I had a blog, I have many notes like this, updates I would write On My Facebook. I wrote this before I was listed, when my life was slipping away form me, it was just before I asked to be assessed for transplant. In a bad place, desperately clinging on to a life that had already decided I did not belong.
21/12/10
When Your ill its quite easy to lose sight of everything you've become consumed in self pity, anger and most defiantly jealousy. These things slip in so quietly you dont even know there there until your a miserable bitch and you feel like a drain on those you love.
Iv lost my sparkle, Its most defently gone. I dont know when, but i miss it so. I had a brief re encounter with it the other week when stu took me out to dinner and it was great, i felt happy shiney and like people were seeing me for me instead of the sick ill person iv become.
How do i get it back? Well i really don't know, my first awnser to anyone else would be to get rid of what ever has made you lose your sparkle, but i have no escape from my situation, Im trapped in my body which is sucking all my sparkle away. What makes me so angry about my situation is i try and try to make myself better, do all my treatment, religiously. But there is no escape, they only minimise symptons slightly im still really ill and its not making me better. God damn it. Jelousy comes in watching others running around having so much fun, the snow to me has been like a weight around my chest, i cant go anywhere do andything, Im stuck. Im stuck most of the time anyway as i feel to ill to go anywhere but now im truley stuck. The jealousy is there all the time with everything, im the smallest of gestures and how people take them for granted, say walking your dog, cleaning your home. I simply cannot do these things, i do them with the upmost effort and struggle. There is my jelousy. Its so ugly, I dont wish to take things away form people, but i cannot help the jelousy creep in. Lastly self pity, I hate that most. I hate that i pity myself, i pity the situation im in that is all i can say on that one.
I need to try and bring back the positivity, the light that i felt i used to shine, I will. It will come. I just dont know how yet.
I finish this, note not wanting to sound sad, I feel positive and happy, Iv written it down, its gone from my head so i can stop dwelling and move on to making it happen.
I have to say I didn't feel like this the whole time I was listed, but there were so many shadows where I was it was easy to fall In to one and get lost. Some say the sparkle was still there, I guess it was just so hard to see In
the shadows. I certainly didn't feel like a shining light.
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