In modern day psychology if a person says “I just feel so worthless, I feel like a very bad person” they are quickly sent to a psychologist. The psychologist then gets paid to assure them with a concerned tone that they are not a bad person, that their flaws are probably imaginary, that they are not worthless and they deserve a place on this planet.
To contemplate your flaws is a taboo. We don’t speak about it. We are urged not to do it. We are urged to instead, contemplate on our virtues.
But…
Take a moment to think of how flawed you really are. Think about all the hurtful things you have said and done. Think about the way you have lied, and manipulated people. Think about how selfish you have been. Think about your bad habits, the ones you cant quit, and think about the ones that drive your partner and your closest ones crazy. Think about all the insults you have received in your life and realize that there is probably some truth in them. Think about the relationships that are in ruins because of you. Think about your relationship with your parents. How much you have made them suffer because of you.Think about the decisions you have made that has made life very difficult for another person. Think about the times when you didn’t want to share. Think about all the times you were unkind. Think about the hurtful things you have said about people. Think about the times someone has cried because of you. Think of the times that someone has felt ashamed of you, or because of you.
I thought about all those things. It sounds pretty bleak, and it was. But what was more disenchanting was the fact that I never accessed this part of myself. I ignored it. I denied it. I told myself I was a “good person”, but I somewhere deep inside of myself, I had a guilty conscience and a dirty consciousness, and so the way I lived my life was a bit of an illusion.
I didn’t do this for fun (doesn’t it sound like fun?!). Taking the time to really consider and take into account any “darkness” I had spread in my life and in the lives of others – taught me something very important.
It teaches me to feel direct my attention to myself when I feel the urge to criticize others
Thinking about these things taught me to be humble. It made me realize how imperfect I am, and what a long way I have to go. I realized that I am quite possibly one of the least qualified person to make judgements about another person.
I have many relationships to heal, people to care for, karma to burn, life-circumstances to repair, bad habits to change and good deeds to do. I realized that I don’t have enough time in my life to both criticize others and also develop myself. I must choose only one. I also realized that neither do I have the qualifications.
Trying not to discuss the negative qualities of other people
I was inspired to make some changes in the way I interact with people. I decided to try to stop discussing the negative qualities of another person. I was surprised how many opportunities come up during the day allowing you to place someone in a negative light, even if it is slight. After a few hours of self-imposed ban of “speaking evil”, my attention was drawn to the inner talk inside my mind – no not my “inner voice”, not the voice of my conscience, consciousness, soul and reason, but rather the voice that “processes” my life, my world, and everything around me. The voice that is chatting away non-stop, my inner narrative. I realized that that voice was sarcastic and skeptical. It processed most things it came across in a darker light, it looked at everything with skeptical eyes. The thing with skepticism is that it tends to be angled towards negativity. You tend to be skeptical about the good things, and affirm on the bad aspects of it, rather than being skeptical about the negative aspects of something and instead affirming the good parts.
And I realized that when that voice becomes loud, I cannot hear the the quiet inner voice of my conscience and my consciousness behind it.
So I am learning how to SHUT UP.
Karma can be cleared
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and that is the knowledge that Karma can be burned, it can be cleared. We have an opportunity to do this in every moment. The only way to do this is to put all your energy on living a conscious life today and to fulfill all your duties in this moment. To feel any sadness or suffering that exists in your life now, because it is there for a good reason. To simply work through it while at the same time focusing on putting 100% dedication and focus on to life and serving other people.
Sometimes its good to think about your dark side
So maybe thinking about your dark side isn’t so bad to do from time to time; to keep you in line, to remind yourself of the work you have to do ahead of you, to remind you to work on yourself and not on other people, and to remind you of the “karmic hotspots” in your life that you must bring into balance.
Re-orienting my life
I used to ask the universe for so many things for myself in the past. But now that I realize that I have exactly what I deserve I know that I can only be thankful. Everything else depends on how I choose to live my life. Now I wish for two things; I wish that that you will find happiness, and I wish that through my life I can somehow help people. This is enough.
with warmth and love,
malavika
