Embed from Getty Images
Martha Beck
It’s called projection, a theory in psychology in which we humans defend ourselves against our own impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in ourselves while attributing them to others. And once you tell yourself it doesn’t exist (whatever it is) you tend to see it everywhere.
Psychologist Daniel Wegner calls this the “ironic monitoring process.” Martha Beck says, “When we try to repress awareness of anything, we activate a mind imp that zeroes in on every memory and every experience related to the forbidden subject.”
So pay attention to all the judgmental things you’re saying or thinking about other people. What drives you most crazy is probably what you have as well. Here is Martha Beck’s plan for helping you own your issue sand turn them into an opportunity for personal growth.
First, she says, rant away. Write down every judgmental, nasty thing you’re thinking about other people. Categorize it any way you like. Focus on one person who drives you crazy, or on the traits you see everywhere that make you furious. What do you hate about that coworker? What should your roommate do to become a better person? Let it all hang out on paper.
Next, take a look at your side of the behavior. If “My husband never listens to anything I say” feels true, try on saying “I never listen to anything my husband says.” Of course not; you’re too busy telling him all the things he needs to know. Hmmmm…
Another take on this exercise is looking for the part you play in the trait you hate. “My coworker is always late with her assignments. That’s not MY issue; I work hard never to be late.” Might that be so you can cover for her and help out at the last minute? Sometimes we wind up supporting the very habit we hate in others, making it possible for them to continue on – with our permission, and sometimes, with active help from us.
Do you see a pattern of behavior that’s making you crazy? See if you can find it in yourself.
Advertisements
