Recently, I had the pleasure of chatting with relationship therapist, Dr. Gerry Heisler. He reached out to me to discuss his upcoming book, Relationship Bootcamp. His advice is pretty spot on so I decided to do a simple Q & A session with him over the Top 5 Dating and Relationship Questions I receive every week.
How do I learn to trust again after I was betrayed in my previous relationship?
You have to ask yourself what does trusting a person look like to YOU. There are no guarantees that any relationship will work out or anyone will be trustworthy. One thing is for sure: relationships become very clear over time. Give it time. You have to be prepared to feel the fear and anxiety of establishing something new that could be meaningful. It’s a good fear to have, not all fear is bad, and you need to embrace your vulnerability and not avoid this feeling.
This is a new relationship. Don’t assume that people are the same. Because your last partner was unfaithful, let’s hope you don’t gravitate toward and/or choose this type (though you might have to examine what attracts you and why. Many want what they can’t have.) Trust is based on honesty, accountability, openness and the other being responsible and dependable. With our capacity to use cell phones and texts, accountability is so much easier today than years ago.
Why do men walk all over me?
Do you let them? Who are you choosing? Can you be assertive? It can be said that it’s not that men walk all over me, I LET THEM WALK ALL OVER ME. Often there are deep reasons many men and women are people pleasers who feel guilty when they are assertive. Some are attracted to more abusive partners and are bored with those who are good to them. They ignore warning signs at the beginning of a relationship. Their actions, not their words, show they like the challenges, the drama and soap opera
How can I get a guy that I like to approach me?
Go somewhere you enjoy a club, organization or activity and see who you meet. Give them the go sign. Women know who they want to approach them and can engage with their eyes, a smile, and of course by being friendly verbally. If you are uncomfortable approaching calling or texting him, try asking him to do you a small favor. That’s a great way to bring two people together.
What are the key ingredients to making a relationship last?
This is what my book Relationship Boot Camp is about, so a simple answer isn’t possible. Suffice it to say, are you really ready for a relationship? How do you know you’re ready? How do you get in shape for one? How do you stop looking for something better? To make love stay, you have to be able to admit how you contribute to your relational woes and be humble. You can’t practice the religion of me-ism. You have to look for solutions to problems, process anger and engage in sacrificial love.
What’s the most important thing to a man: looks or personality?
It’s often said that men love women they lust, while women lust men they love. Too many mistake lust for love. In a functional relationship, your partner should appreciate your essence, which are the inner qualities a blind person could appreciate about you. It has nothing to do with how sexy you are and how you dress. If you can’t answer what are your partner’s essences, and if he/she doesn’t knows yours, the relationship is on thin ice.
Dr. Gerry Heisler is a relationship theapist a clinical psychologist with 37 years of experience. Although continuing his private clinical practice, he’s presented at national conventions, taught at University of Missouri, and is the author of Relationship Boot Camp. To contact him, please visit his site by clicking here.