I’ve been stuck for about a month now. Plenty of reasons, I don’t care to make excuses. I’m persevering, still plugging away at the gym despite feeling deeply discouraged. There are changes, I saw a picture of myself yesterday that was taken this past weekend, and I was shocked by my appearance in a positive way. Even as I stood there smiling for the camera, I was aware of the way my clothes were sitting, even pulling at my shirt hem in between shots. Apparently there was nothing to worry about, so that’s reassuring. I looked good.
I spoke with the dietician at my gym last week and will be getting a little extra guidance from her going forward. I really do believe that food may be the greater issue. I can deal with the required exercise, but staying on track with my eating is much more difficult.
We discussed my use of the phrase ‘lack of willpower’. She was adamantly against it, saying that willpower has nothing to do with it; it’s all about the circumstances in which you live in, what foods you have in your environment. I don’t mind being given that excuse, that if it’s there, you’ll eat it, willpower be damned. It’s just a matter of having good-for-you alternatives available when the mood strikes. Right? We will see.
Even though my flabby arms are an unavoidable side-effect of getting thinner, I am getting some muscle tone which is kind of neat. I really enjoy the weight machines, but I don’t think I’ll be going muscle crazy any time soon (unless it gets rid of the dreaded flabby arms, hmmm!).
I still struggle with my judgemental side. I find myself glaring at thin and fat people alike, thin people because it infuriates me that they are at the gym, and fat people for a multitude of reasons. It’s as if their appearance reflects on mine, the idea that if they are fat they must be lazy, ill-educated, unintelligent. It bothers me that I think this way about other people, it pains me to think that others might think that way about me.
On the positive side of things, I’ve managed to mostly silence my inner critic; I can quickly shut down harsh criticism and instead treat myself with kindness. It’s nice to not be constantly followed around by that bully any more.
It’s easy to look at the amount of time that has passed (four whole months) and be discouraged that I’m not as far along as I thought I would be at this point. But there are significant changes. I’m much stronger than I used to be, I find some things easy that used to be very difficult. I’ve dropped two clothes sizes. That is quite significant.