Her husband died during the last year following a year long battle with cancer. Her children are already pressuring her to be over it. They have become the parents and she is now the child being lectured on how she should feel after a few months of grief. That transition can be quite a shock and create resentment and reaction. She takes it all without complaint and has not found anywhere that feels safe enough for her to express any feelings of resentment and pressure. She might give a hint about how it makes her feel at times, but then she goes back into her prison of silence.
As Christmas approached, it was expected of her to cook for the entire family and she did not see how she could get out of doing so. All of her siblings came with their families so she would prepare for about forty people. She had to buck up and do so in order to protect the family from having to deal with her grief. She would be strong for them. She also did so to avoid another round of sermons from her children about how she was not doing well with her grief.
A few months before the holidays, the family suffered another death. One would think a second death would change the holiday plans and traditions, but she prepared the feast and the family acted like nothing had happened. The deaths became the elephant in the room that no one would notice or mention. Everyone was being strong for everyone else and no one found or gave comfort from or to anyone else.
Her story is far from unique. Matter of fact, her story is almost universal. As soon as the funeral is over, someone will take it upon themselves to tell the one left grieving how they should think, feel and react to the loss. Society is intent on taking people’s grief away instead of helping them walk through the process grief brings. The best thing to do with grief is grieve, but the world at large thinks just the opposite is true. So friends and family begin to lecture and pressure. Far too often those in grief put pressure on themselves as well. The woman did not cook the dinner only because someone expected her to do so. She also cooked because she did not want her grief to “spoil” things for the rest of the family. She needed to be strong to protect her children and grandchildren from being sad because of her sadness. In effect, she took their grief away from them in the same way they are taking hers away from her. It takes a family to grieve a loss, but most of the time, the family is far too busy avoiding the issue to ever join into a mutual walk through the journey of grief.
So Thanksgiving is over. She survived. The meal was great. They all had fun. In a few days, she will rest up and it will be forgotten. I am afraid it doesn’t work that way. She will rest up, but the swallowed feelings must come out and will do so either in some healthy way or they will impact her in some negative way that no one will recognize as grief’s price. She will rest up, but what will she so with the inner resentment she felt all day as her husband’s presence was never acknowledged and his life seemingly forgotten. How will that damage the relationships within the family?
Facing grief not only means facing the horrible loss, it also means facing pressure from others and pressure from ourselves. None of us will be able to withstand all of the pressures we face, but we need to give it a great effort. When we can find the strength to stand and insist on the right to grieve, then the family has a chance to actually deal with the death and the loss together. If the best thing to do with grief is grieve, then the best thing for the family to do is learn how to grieve openly and together. That can’t happen unless someone insists on it happening. It may mean taking an unpopular stand and seeming to be weak and wallowing in our grief to get this kind of openness started, but the choice is openness or pressure and there is always a price to pressure.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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