The Best Damned Book Ever Written!

 If you’re reading this, Kurt Vonnegut, Stephen King, or Jane Austen, step aside. You’re in my way.
There’s a new kid in town and he’s taking names and kicking butt. Write this down, it’s important – Dan Farish, Greatest Author The World Has Ever Known. Okay, so maybe he’s not some big shot, fancy-schmancy, La Dee Da famous author YET… but he will be, by God, just you wait and see.
What has Dan Farish written that makes him think he can bark up the same tree as the big dogs? I thought you’d never ask. Armed with little more than a coffee cup and a jelly donut, Dan set out to write a masterpiece called 3 Steps To Recovery – One Man’s Triumph Over Alcohol and Drugs** How courageous and awe-inspiring is that title? Partly a memoir (fancy name for a book all about himself) and partly a guide to help others beat addiction (clever term to trick others into thinking it’s all about them) Dan Farish cranked out 62,000 words designed to enlighten the masses and transform the way every man, woman and child views the world as we know it.
He didn’t create this golden nugget of genius while sitting in a plush, comfy, leather swivel chair in his writer’s loft, like some of those other Prima Donna authors out there. Oh, my, no. Dan is nothing, if not humble. There were no browbeaten personal assistants to bow to his every whim, screen his phone calls, or negotiate interviews with Oprah. Earnest, Brave, Honest-Abe Dan had none of these spoiled-brat amenities by his side. There was no mahogany desk half the size of Utah to work from and no 42-inch computer monitor with all the bells and whistles from which to admire his author’s profile photo.
In fact, poor, keyboard-challenged Dan typed all 62,000 words using just two fingers in a dank, freezing workshop, which was once a detached garage. He had only an upturned plastic paint bucket for a chair and a wooden orange crate for a desk. Three screaming cockatoos, a constant-cooing turtledove, a vengeful parrot and two ever-needy dogs had driven Dan out of his warm, cozy spot by the fireplace. Yet, in spite of the harsh, barren, impossible conditions and overwhelming odds that would have crushed a lesser man, Dan tackled the task at hand with a stiff jaw and a fierce determination to succeed. He would not surrender. He would not be defeated. He would never hang his head in shame.
He gave his all and paid a heavy toll. His wife barely recognized him when he dragged his aching, bloated body flopped out on the couch at the end of the day. Who is this unshaven, jelly-donut bellied, strange hermit? Dan’s wife wondered. She recalled happier times, when he conversed using actual words, rather than the occasional unintelligible grunt. She shrank in horror when she stared into his glazed, bloodshot eyes. His pale complexion and caffeine-induced tremors frightened her, and she often wept. She wept for his health and she wept tears of joy because of his selfless, superhero efforts to save the world. She begged him to stand and stretch his legs now and then, but it was all for naught. Such is the life of the writer’s widow.
Yes, Dan paid the ultimate price in his quest for brilliance. And for whom did he suffer? you might ask. For you, dear reader, that’s who. Because you deserve to learn the true meaning of life and you deserve to read The Best Damned Book Ever Written!
For the price of a jelly donut and a cup of java, you, too, can bask in the glory of a book that was written for you and only for you.*
*Translation - Please, PLEASE buy the book or my wife will kill me!
**3 Steps To Recovery is available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble in both eBook and paperback version.