Soul Searching

I'm sure everyone goes through those times where they really look at themselves and wonder who they are. Being in Germany has given me a lot of time to myself, away from unwanted influences and voices that drown out my own. So, as unfamiliar and strange it is for me, I have been doing some "soul-searching". I sound like a nut-case saying that, but it is actually so enlightening to look inside yourself and figure out who you really are and what defines you.
Long-term readers of my blog would know that earlier this year I had a bit of a breakdown, and I'm only now realising what kind of things brought that on. While you are at that low point, it's impossible to see what's wrong - you just think everything is wrong. It's only when you do something drastic to lift yourself out of it (ie spending 3-4 months in Germany) that your head gets cleared and you can look back and see the causes of the downward spiral.
While horses are my life passion and the subject of all my dreams, I am prone to always feeling like I am failing in what I do because the expectations I set for myself are unattainably high - always striving to be perfect. What I know now is that "perfect" can never be attained because it does not exist, and especially not when you are dealing with an animal.
Another thing I do is worry endlessly about what others are thinking of me. Am I living up to their expectations?  Are they pleased with me? Do they want me to do more? Instead of looking at what I'M happy with and what satisfies me, I always measure up my achievements against other people's opinions and expectations. I try to compete against other people too, if they do it tough, I try to do it tougher. If they do well at that, I want to do it better. Of course I can never win these competitions, because the competition doesn't exist. That person and I are completely different people on different journeys, and I cannot expect that anything they do, I could do better.
I am glad I have finally identified this self-destructive behavior. I need to stop being so hard on myself, give myself a break, be a bit more selfish and care about my needs, desires and feelings. Luckily I have time here in Germany to work on it before I start getting really busy with college, riding, competing and teaching. I would much rather get all of this cleared up or at least know how to deal with it before all that starts.
The first step I took to let go of expectations, opinions, and false competitions was deleting my Facebook. Yes, I was brave and took myself out of the social networking world. Constantly seeing people update my news feed with everything they are doing and all of their thoughts just clutter my mind. I don't want or need to see how they are living their life. If they felt I needed to know, they would call me and tell me their news. But 9 times out of 10, I don't need to know. Also the fact it is such a waste of time to check facebook and read newsfeeds, not to mention obsessive. I feel so much lighter without it, and don't miss it one bit. Anyone who is my true friend and wants to see what I'm up to can call me or text me the old-fashioned, non-stalker polite way.
Another way I have started helping myself is by keeping a journal. Not where I just write a story of my day, but I divide it up into sections. I have:
- Food I ate (my body is very sensitive to the food I put in it, I react extremely badly to sugar and processed foods and turn into an absolute demon if I lose the balance of healthy eating).
- Actions (to recall if anything I did affected me, or to really realize how much I did that day and that I should pat myself on the back for it).
- Feelings and Thoughts (of course it is important to put down any feelings I got during the day, linking them to actions and food to see their effect)
- Five things I am grateful for today (an idea I got from Oprah. It makes you think of all the good things that happened that day, so no matter how bad you think the day went, guaranteed you can still find five things you are grateful for, however small)
- Any quotes I have in my quote-book that apply to the day (yes I have a quote-book. Any quotes I find that I like and can relate to I write down, and pick out the necessary quote for the time)

The only one that can put a smile on my face when nothing
else can...

Writing all this out really helps me pull positives out of every day and get in touch with what I feel rather than listening to how everyone else is feeling and letting that affect me. The greatest thing I appreciated today happened just before I left the yard. The last thing left to do was to bring Chad and Seb in from the paddock, and when I went to brush Seb off I realised how filthy he was. I took him outside and gave him a nice refreshing hose, rubbed all of the sand out of him and scrubbed his hooves and socks squeaky clean. While I was doing this, I just decided throw his lead rope over his neck and let him stand. He didn't move an inch while I busied myself around him, it really seemed like he was grateful for what I was doing. I then brought him into the stable and he tucked straight into his dinner. I dried his legs so thoroughly and put sudocreme on all of his heels, brushed any dust/dirt/straw off his magnetic boots and put them all on, and gave him a good snuggle. Just doing something so simple for my horse made me come to the realisation that my love for him is worth more than anything in the world to me. It doesn't matter if he doesn't do things right in the arena or if he acts up at a competition, because at the end of the day he will always rest his head on my shoulder no matter what happens, because the love I have for him is completely returned.
That lead me to use this quote for today: "Pets represent a connection to caring that's unconditional... And reciprocal"
- Oprah Winfrey