Worst case scenario? Probably me swimming in a lake and a fish touches my leg and then I just kill myself.
— Cleve (@turbomanatee) May 2, 2014 I want a 5 layer burrito in the streets and a five layer burrito in the sheets. Knowhatimsaying? That way I can eat it walking, or in bed.
— Grover (@XGroverX) April 7, 2014 If Shakespeare were alive today he would tell his stories exclusively through the medium of dick pics
— Andy Selsberg (@AndySelsberg) April 6, 2014 After 8 days of severe constipation... Good news: The dam has broken. Bad news: That IHOP has to be burned down.
— Jack Handy (@HandyJack420) April 1, 2014 LETTER TO THE EDITOR: Dear Marcus, How are your jobs at the newspaper? My neighbor Shelly brought me a pie (lemon flavor). Yum. Sincerely
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 14, 2014
