“In time we hate that which we often fear.” ― William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra
Three years ago I was in such a dark place, I was not living, I was mere an existence of former myself. I felt alone and the company I kept was in the form of voices that spoke to me and me alone. They were inside of my head and while these voices frightened me, I had to accept that they were a part of me, my illness and in time I had to learn how not to only live with them, but understand them.
But that is only a small segment of past trauma that I have faced, fought and won. I stand today strong because I have had to learn to be. Yet during almost 19 years of living only half a life, I have never hated anyone, except myself. I understand that hate can be consuming and can eat you up. I know all too well what hatred feels like, I only had to look into the mirror.
Through intense therapy and at times medication I have fought for my survival and today you see how far I have come. While I am still having to fight, I don’t feel as alone or as frightened as I did those mere few years ago. I had no desire to plan for the future, no dreams to follow and could not see any positives in my life, now I can. I have a future, I am chasing my dreams and I am not afraid to make plans.
I have not beaten my demons, but they have not beaten me either, we stand face to face as equals. I am strong and I am a force to reckon with, I have the determination to succeed now, something I never believed I would ever be.
I have made a success in the forms of my family and not forgetting that I am a well-respected online for the work I do for networking and supporting mothers. I am in the process of fulfilling things I never thought I could ever do. This did not come easy, respect is earned, it is not just given.
The last few days have really proved to me how far I have come, you see through the last two years I have developed a strong community of mothers in the form of an online Facebook group. I have also been given my own personal hate fan club. The hate campaign set up against me would have been strong enough to break me three years ago, yet today I do not see them as strong, I see them as weak and vulnerable women.
Sending someone you do not know hate messages, setting status about someone in an unkind way and reporting a support group, that helps hundreds of women has done nothing but make me accept that some people will never accept that they will never be compassionate and understanding members in our society.
Being abused and called a “nut job” is not very classy and most certainly does nothing but make me laugh as I call myself a fruit loop, a nut job makes me think of packing peanuts for a living. But you get the point, having silly childish names thrown at you because you have a mental illness? I would much rather be mentally ill and who I am, than someone like them as I don’t get their mentality at all, at least I get my own.
Why do these women go to so much trouble to acknowledge their hatred for me? These women were all a member of my group at some point in the past. What never ceases to amaze me is the amount of time they dedicate to me. I should feel flattered, but I feel pity. I am saddened that a growing number of women have nothing better to do with their time but to create and surround themselves in such a negative way.
Why would a group of grown women, all whom have children create a support group and then use it with the whole purpose of degrading themselves by portraying their personalities in such a way? Chasing a woman they do not know around Facebook? Spending hours talking about someone they pose not to like, yet are so quick to want to speak their haters name. Obsession, curiosity, jealously and vulnerability all spring to mind.
Once they would have broken me, now they make me stronger. It has been a learning curve and one I will hold my hands up too and admit I could have done more, could have handled certain situations better, but I am human and I make mistakes. I am the bigger person as I have accepted at some point I have upset “a small number” of mothers in some way, perhaps many just jumped on the bandwagon and enjoy having their names against vile and un pretty words, who knows.
Once upon a time I would have cried, wondered what I had done wrong and was I that bad of a person?
I don’t do that now, I half smile and half sigh, I roll my eyes and I think they must be very sad and lonely people.
That is how far I have come. I can finally hold my head up high, and know that despite having maybe 10 people who claim to hate me, I have a hundred more who are thankful for the support system I have created.
I publicly apologise to anyone that I have hurt or upset and I want you to know that I am not the type of person who enjoys doing this to others. For whatever reason you feel I deserve the hatred and the maliciousness it needs addressing. Instead of using Facebook to voice your opinions speak to me directly. This is now your chance to speak with me one to one about what has made you feel this way.
A note to my haters – Hating someone does nothing but show your own personality, it is not healthy. People hate others when they find themselves helpless, perhaps take a long and hard think about why you hate so much and is it really worth wasting your time over? I am sure I am not that important to you? If you wish to speak to me in an adult way to discuss the problem in a civilised manner so we can stop this silly game then please feel free to email me [email protected] and we can talk there or on the telephone and then hopefully this can stop.
