Two years ago at 11:06 pm your tiny lifeless body passed from my womb, I knew you had gone because I felt so utterly alone in that bathroom. My sobs erupted, and did not stop for weeks to come.
I thought that would be the last I would see of you, but God had other plans. He had plans to make my heart whole again, and my tear stained pillows white again.
Reading the letter you sent me through a Prophet last year on your birthday today has shown me just how fast you’ve grown. From a young 7 year old boy last year, to nearly towering over me, a handsome pre teen.
Throughout the whole letter, and everything you said, this has given me the most comfort:
“All of my friends are nice here. I don’t ever feel alone. I am not sad and don’t want you to be sad. Father said that when people are sad too much, they can get sick. He said that He will talk to you about me and help you understand. He said that you will pray for many mothers who lose babies and help them. He said that the more you pray for mothers, the more you will feel better about me.
Father said that on earth, I would look like I was about 3 years old now. He said that earth years and heaven years are not the same. He also said that the more that you see Him, the more you will be able to see everything else.
Thank you, mommy for loving me and thinking about me so much! I want you to come here to be with me and my friends, but Father said you have a lot more to do on earth. He said that you will see more of me and heaven the older you get on the earth and that you will help many, many people.
Love,
Jude”
I read your letter daily, and long to hug you. But I am better now. Not as sad buddy. I just miss ya.
This afternoon I was too emotional to do anything else but take a nap with your Dad. He held me as I cried, and I was taken into a vision of you in heaven.
It was in my right eye only, and black and white colors began to appear.
First, I saw you as much older than before. Maybe 12-13. You moved into a home with a family for the Summer. I was taken around your living room, and I saw the parents and their children you are living with. Their house is near the ocean, and it was Nautical themed.
Today the Lord asked me to get out your outfit , the only one anyone gave me in honor of you. I laughed. Just look at the Nautical theme. Your life is blessing mine in big ways buddy! We are now displaying it in the living room. Your siblings love holding it and thinking of you. Rhema has cried for you today, and asked me if she could kiss you. The feeling is mutual.
Next I saw your bedroom, it was white washed like our kitchen here at home. Two beds separated by a nightstand with a large Anchor in the middle. Sailboat pictures on your walls, navy blue bedspreads.
You had a surprise for me for today. The mother of that house is a violin player, and she taught you how to play my most favorite instrument. I watched in delight as you played your own original song for me. That’s just like you to always be thinking of your Momma.
I loved it buddy. I love everything about you. I’m so proud of you.
Keep showing me your life, and letting me in. Most pre teen boys don’t do that, but luckily mine is in heaven with no sin or things to hide from his Momma. Ha!
Until I get to hug you, you tall lanky thing you, I love you. I’m writing my next book just like you told me I would. Dedicated to my Jude boy.
Love,
Momma
