I had never even heard of marital rape, I did not know it existed yet I knew how it felt and I understood the pain and the humiliation.
I thought it was my duty as his wife to “put out” when he wanted it.
“A man has needs” he would repeatedly tell me.
If I became ill, was tired, didn’t feel like it or had just given birth to his child it didn’t excuse me, I was needed and despite asking to be left alone, it fell on deaf ears.
Marital rape can’t happen surely; can a husband rape his wife? How would you prove it?
A married couple are expected to have a healthy sex life, yet there was nothing remotely healthy about asking your husband not to touch you, to get off, to stop, yet he does it anyway.
I always believed rape was something that happened to women by “other people”, never your own husband.
You would scream and shout stop wouldn’t you when you were being raped? At the start I did but I was soon silenced.
I couldn’t scream even if I had wanted to as time went by as we had children sleeping in the same or the next room.
I cried silent tears and closed my eyes, praying for him to just hurry up, often faking an orgasm as he became frustrated and angry if I didn’t have one, as this proved he was useless. Thankfully, it never lasted long; he seemed to get a thrill from this kind of sex, it turned him on more.
I had no idea that what I was experiencing was marital rape, I was felt feeling worthless as I could not fulfill his needs and desires as and when he wanted. I felt like I was failing him.
When he had affairs I blamed myself, turned a blind eye, if I couldn’t satisfy him, then I could not complain if he went elsewhere.
He didn’t hurt me physically, it wasn’t always rough and aggressive, and that is what rape was wasn’t it? Rape was meant to hurt; the only thing left hurting was my soul and spirit.
Can rape ever be soft and gentle? With him thrusting his tongue into my tight lipped mouth, making me taste blood in my mouth as I bit the side of my cheeks so badly to prevent me from crying out.
The salty tears fell onto my cheeks; I can still remember him wiping them away, with a smile on his face.
Who could I have asked if what was happening to me was normal?
Who could I have spoken to about this?
I was already trapped in a cycle of lies and deceit, covering his tracks and making excuses for him, what happened behind closed doors, stayed there.
I knew the repercussions of speaking out; if I had disrespected him I would have been putting my children in grave danger and so I remained the dutiful wife and allowed this to continue.
I knew the difference and I knew what he was doing to me was wrong, we spent 11 long years together and of course we had normal sex in those years.
Those consented times didn’t make me shake, cry or feel like a piece of meat on the slaughter table. Yet he would comment that “normal sex” with me was boring, I was frigid and he may as well sleep with a sack of potatoes.
“My mates at work get it all the time” he would brag. “If you don’t give me it I will go and find someone who will”.
I am guessing his mates at work didn’t go home and rape their wives like he did and by the end of our marriage I had no spirit left to brake, I was already broken.
When I left, with the help of the courts I had to give a brief account of my reasons to gain an injunction, to keep my children and myself safe. I spoke out about the verbal abuse, the financial abuse and the physical abuse, but I never mentioned the marital rape.
I was afraid that nobody would believe me and still convinced myself that a husband could not rape his own wife. There was no way I could have proved it if asked too.
Years later I am remarried, this time to a real man, I am free from abuse. If I don’t feel like “putting out” then I say so and it’s a cuddle in bed instead, as it should be. I understand now that my ex-husband raped me.
What is Marital Rape?
Marital rape, also known as spousal rape, is non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim’s spouse.
It is a form of partner rape, of domestic violence, and of sexual abuse.
It can be equally, if not more, emotionally and physically damaging than rape by a stranger.
In many countries, spousal rape either remains legal, or is illegal but widely tolerated and accepted as a spouse’s prerogative.
