First you let me eat breakfast. Not just any breakfast, but a buffet breakfast at The Abalone. Expecting to have an activity–packed (slide, slide, slide, swim, swim, swim) day ahead, I gorged on sushi rolls, spicy noodles, kimchi, fried rice, ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes, waffles, tocino, danggit, bread, salads, fruits, cereals, yogurt...making a total of three trips to the wide buffet. The food was worth elbowing my way through swarms of swim–ready guests.
The AbaloneInternational buffet Buffet schedule and nett rates:Breakfast | 6AM to 1030AM | Php1250Lunch | 12NN to 230PM | Php1530Dinner | 6PM to 10PM | Php1750And then you herd me and your other guests to the Triphora function room, where I find out you'd be having a press conference (I thought I was here to slide and swim all day, but beggars can't be choosers, I shall oblige), making me feel very under dressed... like a P... as in Porn star. (I didn't get the memo beforehand that there'd be a presscon in a very formal looking room; I wore nothing but my swimming trunks).
Of course, the presscon was essential for all the important announcements. Announcements that made me ooohhh and aaahhh...
♦ you letting the Imperial Palace franchise go so as not to limit yourself (ooohhh)...
♦ with this comes endless possibilities and new stuff to watch out for, like self check-in, go karts, a casino where only foreigners can gamble (ooohhh why foreigners only? Because JPark is in a PEZA zone where only foreigners can gamble without paying for tax...which is okay by me since I can't afford to gamble anyway, tax or no tax)...
♦ renaming the resort to JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu (a name I find rather meh, but I don't own this place, you do)—a combination of the names of the two big guns of this impressive hotel: J for Justin Uy, same owner as J Mall, and Park for Mr. Uy's Korean partner, Park Young Jun (aaahhh)....
♦ same facility—more than 500 guestrooms, suites, and villas; 8 restaurants; kids' pools; big people's pools; and three water slides—but now with lower room rates for locals (ooohhh have to call 032 494 5255 for room inquiries)...
♦ and that the next item on the agenda was...food tasting.
The food tasting was for the new menu at Olive, your Asian Mediterranean restaurant. Chef Russel Abarquez entered the Triphora function room and introduced his creations. I instantly regretted stuffing myself for breakfast. I wish you had warned me before letting me loose at the breakfast buffet. Now all I could manage was a forkful of each. Regret sure comes in the end. I regret eating breakfast like there's no tomorrow. I regret not being able to eat more than a forkful of the moussaka and truffle pappardelle.
OliveAsian–Mediterranean ala carte and set menuDaily, except Wednesdays Lunch 12NN to 230PMDinner 6PM to 10PMThe garter of my trunks was now at its elastic limit. Gratefully, you gave us an hour and a half break—a time for me to mentally push my breakfast and Asian–Mediterranean forkfuls deep into my stomach—before presenting lunch.
Lunch was Chinese food at Ching Hai. You tried your hardest to feed us the sweet and sour pork (ala carte) and the dimsum basket (Php1100 nett, good for two) which included steamed items (4 pieces each of Ching Hai shrimp dumplings, siomai with crab rice, Ching Hai assorted meat buns), deep fried items (4 pieces each of Ching Hai special taro puffs, shrimp shui jiao with mayonnaise, bean curd roll with prawns), yang chow fried rice, braised noodles with assorted seafood and vegetables, and dessert. Try as I might, and as good as the spread was, my stomach refused to take more than one piece of each. If only I could shamelessly stuff the leftovers into my bag.
Ching HaiClassic and contemporary Chinese ala carte, set menu, and dimsumLunch 12NN to 230PMDinner 6PM to 10PM
All the food from breakfast to brunch to lunch was now crowding in my colon as I explored the pools of your huge property. From the beautiful blue waters of the Island Pool, to the cute toddler's pool and Captain Hook's pool, to the Amazon River where transparent inflatables await lazy waterbabies; to the Wave Rider (sensation of beach waves at these times: 1030AM / 1130AM / 230PM / 330PM / 430PM) and Beach Pool (both connected to the Amazon River; same depth and open hours as the Amazon River).
Island Pool | 3.5 to 5 feet deep | Open from 7AM to 9PM
Captain Hook's Pool | 1.6 feet deep | Open from 9AM to 6PM 
Amazon River | 3.5 feet deep | Open from 9AM to 6PMAfter inspecting the pools, I approached the huge ominous water slides, and the huge amount of food in my system also ominously approached the end of the colon line. I grabbed a mat, signed the waiver, and marched up the tower to the open body slide (age limit: 7 years old and above)...the less hairy looking of the three water slides. I zoomed along 120 meters of slippery slope in just a few seconds. The end of the line was the scariest—if I didn't close my mouth, I sure could have swallowed a gallon of pool water. Open body slide, check.
Next up, the tube slide (age limit: 11 years old and above). More scary looking than the open body slide since the tube slide is 156 meters of enclosed space. A slide in the deep dark with just a split second of brightness where a portion of the slide had transparent slits letting light in. Definitely not for the claustrophobic. Tube slide, check.
The water slides | Open from 9AM to 6PM | Sliders must be at least 4 ft. tallPhoto by Baktin CorporationAnd, lastly, the granddaddy of JPark's water slides: the Space Bowl! Just 48 meters of enclosed space... nothing compared to the tube slide... but that is not where the heart stops. It is at the bowl, where I felt like I was swirling and roiling in slow motion, when in reality I was spiraling in the bowl for just a second, before dropping into 6.4 feet of water. I felt like poop getting flushed in a toilet, which is what the food I had consumed that day wanted to do.
JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu, you make me feel like P... as in Poop(ing).
But in the dandiest way possible.
Thank you from the bottom of my butt,
Poop with a mustache
JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu
ML Quezon Highway, Brgy Maribago, Lapu-lapu City, Mactan, Cebu
(032) 494 5000
Day Use Rates
Php 2500 (adult) / Php 1250 (child 5-12 yrs old)
Includes free use of towel and lunch or dinner buffet at The Abalone or set dinner at Olive / Ching Hai / Maru Korean Restaurant / Coral Seaside Restaurant
A big thank you to:
Baktin Corporation for sharing the registration link for this bloggers event and for the photo of the water slides.
JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu for blindly picking me to take part in this event.
Emjae of ohwemjae.wordpress.com for letting me use his photos of The Abalone and of the pools.
