“Marry me, Shay!”
That’s what Mr. Proposal Guy #2 said to me about two years ago. I flirted with the idea of being Mrs. King*, but then quickly decided that Banks will forever be my last name, whether I marry this guy or some other guy.
“Shay, I’m serious. Marry me,” he repeated. We were sitting at a popular lake in Dallas, watching the sunset as the ducks quacked for bread and dogs, both big and small, panted with their jogging owners. “What do you think?”
Honestly, I wanted to yell, scream, and run away as fast as I could. You see, unlike many women, I am strongly against getting married before 35. Don’t ask me why 35 is my magic number, but I know it is. This guy is a few years too early. And more than that, we’d only been dating for 5 months! Damn! Can a sista just enjoy a dude for a while before he starts professing his undying love???
“Look, let’s just take things slow, ok. See where everything leads.” That’s a line, most of my friends would later tell me, that men use. I wouldn’t know. Every guy that has proposed to me knew I didn’t want to be married.
At least…not before 35.
Women ask me all the time, “How can I get him to marry me?” My response is, be yourself and allow things to happen. But, that’s not the answer that they want to hear. They want more complications.
“Enjoy the ride” is bogus and too scary! They don’t want to waste time on someone who isn’t on the same page with them. So drastic times cause for drastic measures. That’s when the big guns are used. That’s when the lips between the legs go on strike.
“If you give me a ring, I’ll give it up.”
How many different variations have you heard? How many different variations have you said?
Withholding nookie is dangerous territory. Have I ever done this manipulative tactic to get a guy to do what I wanted him to do? The answer may surprise some of you.
No. I haven’t. I love nookie too much to withhold it from a guy I’m in a relationship with. But, just because I haven’t withheld nookie doesn’t mean I haven’t done other tactics that ended up not working. (that, my love, is another blog post away)
However, sex, is the one that most women like to use and abuse.
But here’s the deal: When you allow the lips between your thighs to tell your partner what you want, you ruin trust and destroy intimacy.
A magical relationship isn’t where you pretend that everything is fine. A magical relationship is where you can lay your guard down, be yourself, and be loved and accepted as is.
It takes a lot of fucking courage to get to that point.
But negoitiating with your vagina can’t get you there. In fact, sometimes sex can create a gaping hole of emptiness in a relationship if it’s not based on something else.
So my advice to you is, rather than using your vagina to tell your partner what you want, why don’t you tell him. And not in a demanding way either.
“Listen, my clock is ticking. I’ve been with you for the last 3 years. When the hell are you going to marry me?! Don’t you want kids? Don’t you want to get married and settle down?!?!!? I’m tired of waiting on you! Make a choice or I’m gone!”
“Hey, I really enjoy our relationship. I have so much fun with you. I want to eventually get married. Not necessarily to you, but eventually, I do want to get married.”
Remain silent and see what he says.
Should you do this on the first date? No. Should you do this within the first month? No. (Shocking right?)
Here’s why: Men and women have a different pace for relationships. Women usually jump in feet first and eagerly hand over committment. Men, on the other hand, take their time. It takes usually a few months before a man is ready to commit, let alone propose. Men take their time because they want to make sure you actually love the real him, not the ideal him he showed you very early in the relationship.
If you start saying “I want to be married today!” in the early stages of dating, you’ll probably run the poor guy off! Besides, you want to make sure that you’re in a relationship with a good guy. Take that “I want to be married now!” off the table and enjoy your relationship. Unless of course, the relationship has stalled, in which case, you need to get the hell out.
What do you think?
*Name has been changed to protect the guilty