Dear Rachel
I probably have a common question, but if you solved it with your magic dust, thousands of marriages could be saved. Many men who have affairs do not want to leave their wives and children behind; they do this because they love the pursuit of a new skirt when adventurous sex at home has disappeared. Most such affairs disappear. How can we start a conversation along the lines of, "Okay, you don't want me physically, but I need more, don't panic, I'm not leaving"?
Dear PS,
My goodness, "a new skirt!" A timely reminder, perhaps, of how some married men still dare to at least dream about the supply line of ready sexual partners out there.
I'm afraid my professionals have run out of "magic dust" and have even objected to your message (keep them coming, sweet questions for friends!). 'Patronizing talk' was the opinion of a therapist, who said to me: 'In my practice I have mainly seen couples where the woman has had an affair.' I took the issue lightly, without sounding judgmental. Not the hilarious reference to chasing skirts, a Benny Hill formulation I agree with, or the plaintive mention of "adventurous sex" after leaving the building on the home front, but this: the idea that your wife is in will panic when you leave. Real? Have you asked if she is happy in the marriage? Are you aware that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women? And why is that, praying?
Let me tell you. All studies show that men get the most out of marriage, in terms of health, life expectancy and services in their own country. Women in general have not enjoyed the same benefits and perks of caring for children for decades and often more, and their 'liberation' in the workplace has at least given them the freedom to make their own choices. Often women want out, while men like the status quo and wouldn't, especially if they can have their cake and eat it too. Which brings us to your letter. Despite the benefits of partnership, you choose to focus on the one area - I assume - where your needs are not being met to your tight specifications. Her indoors boils down to the work that produces "adventurous sex" as much as anything else.
The story continues
As the therapist Sophie Haggard notes, "opening up" the marriage often backfires and the basic rules - no mutual friends, one-night stands only, protection, no kissing, etc. - can inevitably be broken. Indeed. I know a couple where the woman - let's call her Amanda - "shut up." She told her husband of 35 years to collect the rosebuds elsewhere, as long as he didn't bother her friends and she didn't know or hear about them. However, he was too lazy and incompetent and was so used to her taking care of things that he kept asking her to do the same. organizing his extramarital affair. Finally, he asked her to ask Minty (not her real name) if Minty would do the honors. "Minty? Are you serious?" Amanda protested. Minty had been her best friend since school, as she gently pointed out. If only men realized that all women really want is competence - that is the magic dust that I believe would save many marriages. But back to Mr. Rok Chaser. Haggard recommends "psychosexual counseling" to try to put the "oooh" back in "arrgggh," but she questions your attitude toward potential extramarital partners.
I end with Tracey Barraclough, a clinical hypnotherapist, who was no less skeptical, I'm afraid. She says to check your calendar because "this is 2024, and men aren't the only ones with needs that need to be met! You say it's mostly men who have affairs, but I would assume they have them with, uh, women! It's normal to want physical intimacy, and it's reasonable to ask for it; So you wonder: Did you really do that with your wife? Or even asked how she feels and if there is something deeper rooted? The fact that many things are 'getting out of hand' does not mean that it is carte blanche to have them. Things happen, are versatile and not one size fits all; But the rule of thumb is that they are a symptom and not a cause of relationship breakdowns. There is a big difference between fulfilling needs and reckless behavior with potentially catastrophic consequences," she says.
Dear Rachel
I am in my early forties and have had four natural births. We were still quite young when we had our first baby, so 'pelvic floor' wasn't a term I'd heard of before or was even aware of, but one I'm unfortunately very aware of now. After baby number three, I remember trying to stop peeing halfway through, but I couldn't. This had a huge impact on my self-confidence during intimate times with my husband. As age approaches, I find that laughing and sneezing can often lead to embarrassing situations, please help! What can I do?
Dear Anon,
Congratulations on four natural births, Mom, and your determination to improve "intimate times" (more ladylike than "sexy times") is brave. I have good news. There's plenty available, from estrogen gels to surgery and a range of internal and external treatments and therapies, in addition to Tena Pants. I've heard really good things about the Emsella treatment - sit on the magic chair and create electromagnetic waves all your pelvic floor muscles contract quickly (some women call it the "happy seat" because it can give you a "coregasm," so that's a bonus), not just the muscles you can work with Kegel exercises. This has produced very good results. Ditto the Emfemme360, the first FDA-approved non-surgical treatment that uses radiofrequency to lift and tighten the labial folds and also the vaginal canal (there are other similar rod-like devices) in a session of just eight minutes.
You may also consider vaginal mesh surgery, which can be performed on an NHS outpatient basis using only local anesthesia. I have a friend who had three children vaginally and also leaked like a disgruntled Tory minister about fifteen years ago. She had done it and was happy with the result. Mesh implants are generally made of a narrow polypropylene mesh 'tape' that is placed under the urethra like a sling or hammock to hold it in the correct position and bingo, back to the trampoline. There are also exercises you can do with weighted equipment such as the Femvaults that you place between your legs and squeeze. "After just three short weeks of using the Femvaults you could be leak free. You no longer have to live in fear while laughing with friends, going to the gym or enjoying intimate time with a partner," the story promises.
Besides, early forties isn't old at all - you're not even in your prime yet! You could probably have several more babies - thank goodness! - but four might be enough and good luck with the waterworks.
RecommendedAsk Rachel something...
Dear Rachel: "How do I discuss the topic of a threesome with my wife and her girlfriend?"
read more
