The night before my Doctors appointment I went to bed feeling much like the night before our wedding. I will have to go on my honeymoon tomorrow, and that means…
Oh my Gah. I will start medication tomorrow. What if it doesn’t work. What if I grow an extra toe? Then my new thong sandals from Target won’t look good. And they were on clearance too. Did I brush my teeth? Did I put that load of laundry in the dryer, the one I’ve washed three times? Is Asher’s book bag still in the middle of the driveway? I hope he got it when I told him too. What if I have to search the woods in the morning because a raccoon took it? Then I’ll have to wear a bra In case the neighbors offer to help me. They’re old, but I’m pretty sure they would notice. School is almost over. Wonder if he needs his book bag tomorrow? Raccoons are evil.
Nervous and anxious I tried to sleep. I tried to calm myself down long enough to get a rem cycle in. It wasn’t happening . Luckily Rhema wanted to keep me company by loosing her paci 19 times in an hour and asking for a squeeze yogurt at 2 am.
Her thoughtfulness astounds and annoys me.
Getting ready I picked out my most classy of outfits. Maxi skirts always scream I tried to get ready, and I’m still comfy. I curled my hair and chose a lipstick shade that said:
I’m not a crazy. I’m here because I’m not. Just write me a prescription. I don’t want to look you in the eye. I’ll cry.
Waiting in the waiting room I debated on whether to play angry birds on my phone or read a magazine. I didn’t want to seem out of place , so I played with the toy trucks in the children’s section. It was where I felt at home, and I’m sure no one noticed, until the trucks I was playing with had a wreck. And I had to call the ambulance .
“Is Rachel Haggerty in here? I have your medication for you right here, but I think it’s best if we sedate you for this appointment .”
I mean.
” Rachel Haggerty, the doctor is ready for you. “
I asked if I could bring the trucks, but she said no.
The appointment went well. I got the most caring doctor in the whole world and she let me cry and cry some more and then I cried some more and she gave me a tissue. My Barbie doll makeup slowly melted off with my tears and I sat there exposed. This is not what I wanted. But it had to happen.
I had to admit to someone that didn’t know me how I was feeling inside. Because on the outside my life appears to be perfect. I have a wonderful, handsome, sexy , loving, nice butted husband. I like his butt. I have three beautiful healthy children whom I adore when they sleep at night like normal humans. And all the time.
But inside something isn’t computing.
She assured me she knew I wasn’t crazy, that she sees this often when life’s circumstances affect you negatively. She also assured me this may be just a season where I need a little help, then later when I’m not tempted to play with the trucks in the waiting room I can come off the medication . Until then, she wanted to help me along the way.
I got the prescription . I looked her in the eye. A lot.
I was honest , and it was freeing.
The appointment was over and I had to pee so much so that I was sure I would wet the seat, which if she sees crazy people I’m sure she is used to. Right?
She was kind and I knew she cared. That is all I wanted. I left feeling loved and seen. Someone listened .
Then I had to go back to the front because somewhere between playing with the trucks and sobbing my eyes out I lost my keys. Imagine that. I never lose anything. Except everything when I fail to use my brain. Or I don’t have enough coffee.
Yesterday I took my first pill. With mixed emotions and high panic I swallowed it. But before I did I prayed this prayer, to my Papa.
“Lord, I’m being obedient. Please be with this pill as it flows through my body and into my make up. I trust you, and I ask that you bless my body to react positively to this medication. I thank you that you haven’t left me yet, and you won’t fail me now.”
The people at Target in aisle 7 knew what medication I was on.
