What does being bisexual actually mean?
Thats the question I’ve asked myself for years, and last month I finally got an answer: I am bisexual and that’s okay! I finally realized that I am sexually and emotionally attracted to both sexes and have been ever since the age of 13, if not younger. The thing is, I was taught by the media and by my religion that those feelings were wrong, that you were either gay, straight or lying.
I grew up confused. How could I like girls as much as I like boys? Though I was never homophobic, I was taught that bisexuals were different; they were slutty girls who just wanted attention to make their conservative parents angry. Good girls aren’t bisexual because it’s a choice that you make, unlike being straight or gay. Then I became a born again Christian in a strict, fundamental Church that taught that all homosexuality was a huge sin against God, and even if you supported it a little you were going to hell. I did not want to displease God, so I pushed those dirty thoughts I had for girls away and concentrated on boys.
Finally, I broke from my church when I went to college and took a religion class, and started to believe that it was okay to be gay. But I still did not think it was okay to be bisexual because I felt at the time that they were slutty and just wanted attention. I lost my virginity to a boy when I was 18 and convinced myself that even though I had feelings for girls, I had to be straight since he turned me on, too.
Later I started to notice that I really was attracted to girls, too. I told myself, “Well, you’re probably just bicurious because bisexuality is not a real thing.” But I had inclings that I was truly bisexual. For example I seemed to have a lot of celebrity girl crushes (as many as my celebrity guy crushes), but I ignored them becuase I thought this was normal straight girl stuff. Then I realized no other girls I knew felt this way. I told myself that I just liked those female celebrities because I admired them, but really, I thought they were ridiculously sexy and wanted to be with them as much as I wanted to be with my male crushes.
Then I saw a documentary about being bisexual on MTV. The people in the documentary weren’t anything like the bisexual stereotype at all. That’s when I changed my mind about being bisexual. I didn’t come out right then, but watching that documentary put me on the right path to coming to terms with who I am and with coming out.
So about a month ago, with this new found knowledge that being bisexual is different from what I originally thought, I allowed myself to believe I may in fact be bisexual. I went online to educate myself further and realized that since I am emotionally and physically attracted to both sexes equally, that I am bisexual (as opposed to bicurious).
Later that night, I was all alone in my room when I came out to myself. “I’m bisexual!” I told myself. I quickly realized its truth and all of the emotions I had thrown away came flooding in and I cried like a baby, partly because I was happy, and partly because I was scared and afraid of what would happen to me and my family.
The very first person I came out to was my best gay guy friend. I told him via email, and he just laughed and said, “It’s 2011, get with the program, who isn’t bisexual at least a bit? There’s nothing wrong with you, that’s just you!”At first I was shocked at his response, but then I started to laugh, because it’s true – sexuality doesn’t necessarily mean just being straight or just being gay for a lot of people.
The next person I came out to was my counselor. I started to cry because it felt so amazing to say it out loud to somebody. He comforted me and let me know that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel and that it is completly normal. He let me know that this is not a phase for me – I am truly bisexual and should be proud.
I am a person who feels that gender is not important, just like I feel that race and religion are not important. We later talked about the struggles with people who are bisexual and how there are no good role models in the media. All you see are girls making out with guys to get attention, or secret gays who come out as bi first to see what would happen. We talked about how being bi is sort of like being biracial; part of you is straight and part of you is gay, but you don’t feel like you have support from either side.
I’m not fully out yet. I’ve told my sister and a few other friends, but I’m still waiting to tell the majority of my family. Until then I am happy to dispell the stereotypes of being bisexual. I’m even trying to start a LGBT group at my college in Texas because we don’t have anything like that here. I am cool with who I am: a Christian, bisexual nerd who loves Doctor Who and horror movies, and sees myself as an equal opportunist for love, which I can’t wait to find, whether it’s with a woman or a man!