Hi All,Just a quick follow up from my camping post....mainly some interesting observations I have made this week. So as you all know, or maybe you don't, I have a new set of best friends...namely my new crutches. Unfortunately the horsefly bite I experienced camping last week has caused the lupus to go into epic overdrive and try to destroy my soft tissue surrounding the bite. Well as you can imagine, I am not best pleased about this at all. It is inconvenient, painful and the crutches are driving me mad already and this is ONLY day three.
However, throughout the past three days I have had some rather eye opening experiences that have changed my thinking somewhat to the notion of invisible illness and a visible one. For the first time in a while, I am visibly ill....from looking at me you wouldn't know why but you can clearly see the hobble and how uncontrollable I am on my crutches. This makes a change as ordinarily I just get people thinking I am lazy and I thought that perhaps, for once, people may offer me a seat on the bus, they may open doors for me, or offer to help me in some shape or form. Now, before I carry on I want to point out that I am not talking about my family, friends or colleagues who have all been amazing. I am referring to strangers I have met.
Stand and stare all you want....
So, Monday was my first day navigating public transport on crutches. As I have quite good balance I thought I would be just fine...I was very very wrong. But that isn't all I was wrong about. I get to the bus stop and as always there are many people waiting for it too arrive, stood up as there is only enough room for two people to sit down. So I hobble up and get to the seat and the people sat down stare at me, then turn away.
Ok, so I don't know if maybe these people have an invisible illness and I have learnt over the years not to judge, so I stood there and waited until the seats became free. When they did, other people sat down before I could get even close to them. Other people who had been waiting with me, seen I was visibly in pain, seen the crutches and not one offered the seat to me.
Finally the bus arrives and as on all UK buses they have specified seats for wheelchairs, prams and people with mobility aids. I headed to that section and every seat was taken by school children. Now when I was young I was brought up to let my elders, those will disabilities and pregnant ladies sit down and I would stand. Nope, not one person moved, I had to balance on crutches on a moving bus for the entirety of my journey home. From which my foot swelled up like a balloon and needed 2 ice packs to bring it back down.
People offer me pity........I don't need to be pitied.
Ok, I know people are only being nice and I thank them for this, but please don't talk to me like I am about to crumble. I have been into numerous shops, cafes and bars over the past 3 days and in 90% of them I have come across some form of pity. "Oh dear such a shame you're on crutches" or the classic "I know what you're going through, you have my sympathy". OK, OK, I know you are being nice and I know you are maybe even concerned, but all I really want is my latte. This may sound like I am being ungrateful, but what I really need is help opening doors, carrying said latte to a table or lifting my bags....has anyone offered this...no of course not. However, I do know about said persons sister/brother/mum or cousin who was on crutches for 8 weeks.....thanks a lot.
The looks I get are comedic.
There I am, hobbling down the road, trying to navigate using the crutches, carrying my bags and putting my headphones in...trust me on crutches this is no easy feat. People walk by, one even asked me to move out of the way and then they give you one of two looks....
1. The I feel sorry for you eyes....uncomfortable and I feel sorry for me too.
2. The "wow look a real life disabled person"...let's point, stare, make a comment or even laugh.
Of course out of these options I prefer look one, at least that one to me is a human response. However bother are equally annoying because the fact of the matter is that you should just stop staring. That's all you need to do. If you want to acknowledge I am there and on crutches, ok that is fine, but don't stare.At the end of the day it is you that looks bad, not me.
So which do I prefer...the invisible illness that has lead to many a comment, cost me friendships and lead to me feeling isolated.....or the visible one, that has lead to comments, stares, made me feel self concious and made me angry at society. Thanks but I think I want to get rid of the crutches now, pretty please.
