Not that it matters anyway as dumb people seem to have a lot more fun, but a lot of especially young folks are all twisted akimbo this way and that, mentally contorting themselves with anxieties about whether they are smart enough.
First of all.
Most humans are pretty damn smart. Even most people who seem like idiots are probably smarter than you think. Don’t believe me? Go talk to one of those “idiots.” Come back and let me know how it went. See what I mean?*
*Dob’t try this with Mexicans. You’ll be disappointed. Mexicans as a race have perfected the ultimate in pure, studious ignorance. They smugly wear it, chin high in the air, like a flag on their damned lapels. But they seem to enjoy life anyway, so who cares really?
Ok now that we got the preliminaries out of the way, what does the question mean? You don’t want to know if you’re smart. You’re human. We know you’re smart (unless you’re a Mexican).
What you are asking in this question is this: Am I a lot smarter than just about everyone else?
Let’s get the outliers out of the way first of all. Can you do differential equations in your head? Preferably while having sex? And not only that, but wild acrobatic sex?** If you are answer yes, you can stop reading right now and take a seat at the front of the stage while we finish our presentation. Yeah you’re smart. Your brain burns brighter than Alpha Centauri.
OK, dirty little secret. Here’s how you do it. Are people always telling you you’re smart? Ok. That means you’re smart. No really. People are more honest than you think. Most people don’t go around telling idiots that they’re smart. Most idiots don’t care anyway, so why lie?
Now. Are you people always telling you, drop-jawed, wide-eyed, stunned, head-shakingly incredulous and saying stuff like, “You’re the smartest person I know…You’re like a human encyclopedia…You’re real smart – real smart. I can’t believe how smart you are. You’re smart as Hell!” And best of all, “Ever since I met you, everyone I meet seems dumb.”
Ok, now you’re not just smart. You’re real smart. Like real, real, real, real smart. Like smarter than 99% of the damned population. Like genius IQ smart.
And now you may feel free to crash and burn your life into the most glorious of ruins, just like me. You’re a shooting star.
Pick up that glass thing over there. Tip it to your lips. Raise it in a roaring cheer. And drink to the wreckage. The spectacular wreckage.
Good night, everyone. Good night.
**One of the most famous geniuses of our modern era, with a stratospheric IQ score at least in childhood, was yet another infamous William Sidis-like burnout. She dropped out completely, disdained all further studies and pretentious notions of a professional career and decided instead to work as a prostitute. In her particular case, a high class call girl. And it’s true. She used to impress her clients by doing differential equations in her head in the middle of the wildest sex acts. Now that’s an act that’s hard to beat.
They say your IQ is useless unless you use it. Differential equations in your head while performing Houdiniesque sex? What? Einstein? Take a seat over there. The lady has the stage now, dammit! Now if that ain’t using your Goddamned IQ, then I don’t know what is.
