There is nothing more delightful then being the adult companion of a small child to whom you did personally bestow the gift of life. 
In my own case, I am the proud aunt of a unfailingly charming toddler, whose commitment to trains and punching his mother in the neck, never cease to delight me. He is probably my favorite person. I am terrified of being left alone with him.
This is no reflection on the child (as aforementioned, he is a cherub, an endless pleasure) but on my own disorganised adult life, and most particularly my bachelorette pad, which I usually view with unabashed affection – I’m an artist with clutter, a savant with a junk mail mound – but when viewed with the lens of someone who must take care of a vulnerable infant for a few hours, it becomes a sort of hell, a chintzy death trap, every surface the host of a potential death trap.
So, how do you go about making your house a hospitable place for a small child? Just follow this simple checklist and in 20 minutes you’ll have the fatalities down to an acceptable level.
The Sweep
You won’t have those awesome cupboard guards to protect you. My advice is to get a cardboard box and empty the contents of your under-sink cupboards into it. Everything. Go to the bathroom and pick up and pack everything that touches the floor in the box. Put the box in your bedroom. Shut the door.
- Electrical socket ninja
They have these tiny fingers and they are so often moist. With this in mind, it’s pretty much guaranteed that any small child will gravitate to the plug holes with a grit and determination that, if nothing else, is sort of admirable in its laser focus. Luckily, you’re prepared.
If you don’t have a collection of plastic socket guards to jam into every open outlet (these can be bought extremely cheaply from any DIY store and can be arranged artfully into a decorative feature reminiscent of classic Philippe Starck when not in use) then a quick fix solution can be procured in the form of (ideally) black electrical tape or, in a pinch, sellotape. Mummify your fixtures and affix the switch to the ‘off’ position. This isn’t a foolproof solution as you’ll be shocked how quickly the motor skills of a toddler can effectively tackle the most complex of tape mounds. However, what it does buy is time. You have maybe an two minutes, possibly three to notice the malign intent and whisk them up and away from mild electric shocks. This also works for the kitchen drawers.
- Hot Drink Elevation
Nothing more delightful than a cup of coffee while you watch your tousled-hair charge gambol about the place. However, you need to elevate all your thoughts and movements to a t least a foot higher than you’re used to. No more slinging your mugs absently mindedly on the coffee table. That’s a recipe for minor degree burns and tears before bedtime. Designate a shelf that’s at least a foot higher than your charge. Put everything on there. EVERYTHING. Even if it seems faintly ridiculous. Small people want in on everything that you have. Inaccessibility is your friend. Inconvenience is the watchword of safety.
- Oh god, the stairs.
Nightmare, right? People who live in apartments or bungalows are probably sitting there with a wry smile playing about their lips. As we all know, the stairs are a priority area. Even if your charge is adept at traversing their home stairs, they won’t account for disparities in step height or angle at your place. They assume a standardised environment and frankly, this will be their undoing. Personally, I just accept that upstairs is off-limits to everyone during the duration of the visit. I drag my biggest piece of furniture across the doorway. If you should need to access something needful, say the bathroom during the visit, make sure that you take your companion with you. Perhaps you doubt the wisdom of this, perhaps you question the propriety of the situation but once, you’ve experienced the particular joy of performing The Wheels On The Bus against a merry backdrop of urination, you’ll never go back.
I hope this was of some help.
Citations:
- Credit: Pink Sherbert Photography
Hayley Atkinson is a successful auntie and blogs about jobs in childcare, nursery job vacancies for Nursery World Jobs.
