I know people often say it is a privilege to be appreciated - being able to stay home and spend time with your kids. I do appreciate it for what it is. However, I do have my dreams and ambitions still niggling at me. All the time. Selfish? Definitely. An unreasonable indulgence? I would obviously like to think not.
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I have so many things I want to do; I have worn so many different hats. I have been a course speaker before, speaking and presenting to a range of people - from youths that Centrelink sent to me to 60 year old managers and professors. I definitely shit my pants the first time I had to do that but that's me - I enjoy challenges, meeting goals, progressing, soaring, excelling. I was also a teacher in my previous life. I took on a special Year 5 class of higher ability students who had made their previous male form teacher cry. I managed them little smartarses really well and the Principal of the school rang me after I left to write me a special recommendation letter. I also done some singing on the side and I have been a freelance writer who wrote articles and did copywriting.
Before this post, my baby was going to daycare once a week and that obviously wasn't enough for me. I tried to book her in for a couple more extra days so I could start applying for jobs. And in my head, start living my life again.
Last week though, when my baby's daycare educator rang us 3 hours into the day to get her because she was screaming and crying nonstop, something just clicked. When we picked her up, she was a sobbing little mess. Her educator said she had been crying nonstop for more than an hour and was getting very stressed out. She stopped immediately when she snuggled into us, snuffling and still tearing from her puffy red eyes.
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It was that week that I was supposed to start her other days of daycare at another centre. After that episode, I just realised that I couldn't do it. This baby, being only 15 months old, needs me. She is fine and happy with daycare once a week and has started to settle in but I just had to face the fact that popping her in to different centres a few times a week at this point was just a little too much for her at the moment.
You can say I was utterly humbled and even a little ashamed of unwittingly putting my dreams and ambitions first.
And so, the back tracking began. Ringing up the other centre to cancel my booking. Needless to say, I got a few very unhappy words. I don't blame them because I had chased them up for weeks to give me some spots.
I am glad to say that I am now on my way to finding a balance. I have started freelance writing again and dabbling in social media. That allows me to be home but of course, a true balance (is there ever such a thing?) still needs to be established.
Just a post that probably most of you mums would understand about balancing our family lives while trying to still indulge in ourselves and pay attention to our hopes and dreams. I would like to believe that hopes, dreams and ambitions are not just for the young and single. Wouldn't you? :)
Linking up with Essentially Jess who has some awesome news on her book today! ;)
A whole bunch of disclaimers, you know, just in case!
- Definitely not implying that being a stayhome mum is pointless hence I have to find work to feel accomplished. We all know being a stayhome mum is so difficult and in fact, extremely noble since we put our own dreams & ambitions on the backburner for our kids.
- And definitely have no intentions of guilt tripping any mums who have to work or choose to go to work & arrange for care of your children. Every child and every situation is different. My bub is just not handling it that well and is not that ready at the moment.
