It's time to let him go.And as much as I'm aware of this fact, I find myself resisting, justifying, and clinging on to him... for one more day, one more week.
The need to let him go could not be more clear. The weight of it could not be heavier.
Yet still I remain, hands clasped tightly around him. Willing him to hold my heart. Forever.
As I process why this is, as I go back & forth between resistance & release, I find myself perpetually frustrated. Why is this so hard? What about him & my relationship with him is so significant that I just can't seem to let him go?
So many feelings arise when I consider what letting him go will look like. Feelings of pain, fear, jealousy, insecurity. They accumulate in the pit of my stomach & make me sick. They fester until I'm a big pile of nerves & the only thing left to do is cry.
Letting him go equals a loss. His role in my life is dying and it makes me sad.
I've recognized for the past week that I have to grieve him like any other loss. But it's so dang hard. I feel silly crying about someone who was never mine to begin with. I feel stupid at the amount of dread I feel when I consider life without him. I don't understand the loneliness that is already creeping in.
I think to myself: "He shouldn't matter this much. He shouldn't affect me this much."
But he does.
If I'm being 100% honest with myself, he's filled a very significant void for quite some time & without him, I'm fearful of what life will look like. I'm fearful that no other man will be able to protect me like he has, love me like he has, meet my needs like he has. I fear that no other man will be able to hold my heart so steadily & so safely as he has. He has been a rock of sorts & for that I'm forever grateful.
But I need to let him go.
I need to let him go because God has instructed me to do so. Because he is not mine to have and I am not his. Because God has assured me that there is something better out there. Because it's the healthiest option for both him & me.
It's a scary choice and it's leaving me extremely vulnerable. But in all honesty, there is no other choice. Death to this brings life to so much more and so that's what I meditate on, that's what I look forward to.
Tonight, I commit to letting God hold my heart. Steadily. Securely. I give in to the knowledge that only He can protect, love, & fulfill me to the degree of which I need it. Only He can fill the gaping void that this loss is leaving & only He knows what's in store for me.
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