Have you ever hit a wall in some aspect of your life? This is something that I haven’t written much about, but walls have become somewhat of a regular occurrence in this cancer experience.
First, there’s the physical energy wall. For instance, I can tell I’m getting a chest infection, so last night we asked the doctor for a prescription. I started the antibiotic, woke up feeling decent, and went in to work. Then at 2pm—WHAM! My body said, “I’m done…” I can’t explain it. It just happens—a wall, out of nowhere. No energy left, and no will power is enough to overcome it. My only option is to go collapse somewhere.
Second, there’s the treatment wall. My mind and body absolutely revolt on the day of treatment and refuse to join in the fun. Though I only have two more, those two seem like impenetrable fortresses. The ten behind me seem to diminish in comparison to the two looming ahead. Strange how solid this wall can feel, and no amount of positive thinking can overpower it. It is absolutely formidable.
Third, there’s the emotional energy wall. These times are harder to pin down and explain. They are times when, physically, the body is cooperating, but I still find myself weary with the struggle or the weakness. These are times when I just want to sit and stare—completely disengaged. It’s not depression or despair, it’s not even a bad attitude—it’s just a blank. It’s the inability to function with much emotional energy.
You could probably make your own list of “walls” in your life. But I’m learning something about walls. They look more formidable than they are in reality. They are penetrable. In time, by God’s grace, I eventually find the wall behind me—not even sure how it got there.
All I know is, one minute I’m facing the wall, while it shouts, “You CANNOT PASS!”—and the next, I’m through it, and moving forward. Between those two experiences is some mixture of grace, prayer, patience, endurance, waiting, hoping, praying, and strong will. Somewhere in the middle of all that, God moves the wall—or moves me through the wall—I’m not sure which. But either way, it’s good.
In Isaiah 45:2, God prophetically said to King Cyrus (200 years before he was to fulfill this prophecy) “I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron:” Isn’t that like the character of God? He goes before us and makes crooked places straight. He breaks down the walls! Better yet, He uses the walls to build us and bless us—to grow us stronger in His grace.
Well—I don’t know what wall you’re facing. Mine right now is physical. My body is telling me, “Don’t move!” So, while I’m sitting here staring at the wall, I figured I’d write about it. Pretty soon, I’ll be through this wall by God’s grace. And pretty soon, if you don’t despair—you’ll be through yours too!
And some day, we’ll be standing on those walls declaring the goodness of God to others coming behind us. So don’t let your wall intimidate you. It’s no match for God.