Having doubts about saying I do?
People will tell you it's only natural. I don't agree.
Let's rewind a few years. I had been in a four-year relationship and to be honest the concept of marriage had only ever briefly crossed my mind. We were 22 years old when we met. He was south american and I was sceptical (as always) Needless to say, we fell in love. 4 years of fabulous later and the questions started coming.
When are you two going to get married? When are you going to start a family?
I loved this man. I loved him more than I ever thought possible, but regardless of this love, I knew it wasn't right. Yet I said yes.
But I had questions.1. Was he the one?
2. Why wasn't I totally and ridiculously excited about marrying this man?
3. Why wasn't his substantial income, good looks and incredible personality enough to seal the deal?
His ambition and positivity will always inspire me, but at the time it simply wasnt enough. Was I being unreasonable? Unrealistic? A selfish biarch? Nope. He just wasn't the one.
I will never regret the 6 years we spent together. We worked together, travelled the world together, conquered great things together.
Saying goodbye was hard. Not only for me, but my friends and family also. In fact it really, REALLY sucked.
But in the back of my mind, there was a niggle. So I ended it after 6 years together, and after two years of being engaged. While at the time I seriously felt like the world was going to end (even worse when you are the one to break it off) I knew it was for the greater good. I wasn't strong. I lost mutual friends. There were reunions of sort, regrets voiced and promises made, yet I stuck to my guns. Because life is way too short.
And here I am years later happily married to the absolute man of my dreams (I am in no way saying he is perfect... yet neither am I) Over four years have gone by and there is no doubt, not even a niggle. Good times or bad I absolutely adore him, even when he drives me batshit crazy. We have different interests (some the same) and often spend our free time doing our own thing, but it works for us.
When comparing my thoughts and behaviour in both relationships, and a little research on unsuccessful relationships had by friends, you might want to reconsider saying 'I do' if...
1. You bag out your loved one to your family and friends
This doesn't include general mocking of men and their ridiculous antics or a little friendly banter between you and our partner. But if you wouldn't say it when he is there, then why are you saying it at all? No one is perfect but there is usually an underlying reason. You don't respect him? You are seeking negative reassurance from friends and family to make yourself feel better? or maybe you are just being nasty (in which case don't expect him to act like your prince)
Either way this is a sure sign that things are NOT OK.
2. You are suffering from FOMO
Fear of missing out. Your friends are getting married, you want the ring, you want something to look forward to, and you would revel in all the extra attention. That doesn't make you a bad person, but the buzz surrounding all things wedding is only short-term compared to a life time of commitment.
Don't let the idea of the most amazing party ever get in the way of your true love for the person you are with. It's a lot of money to be spent on a whim, so if you are with your soul mate, then what's the hurry! ?
3. The proposal was the result of an ultimatum
Marry me or it's over. I don't think I need to go into all the reasons why this is so wrong, but people this is NOT the way to begin a marriage. When you hold a man's heart at gunpoint it is going to end in disaster. Not only will he resent you for it in the future, but you are essentially manipulating him into commitment.
If he doesn't want to get married, find out why through good old fashion talking. He talks, you listen. Marriage means different things to different people so a lack of proposal does not necessarily mean a lack of love. Either way step away from the ultimatum.
4. You believe the little piece of paper will give you emotional security
WRONG. Introducing my man as my husband gives me warm fuzzies every time. Why? I am proud to be married to him because he makes me happy. It's that simple. But if you think that piece of paper will be your permission slip to control and manipulate your husband, then you need to rethink your relationship.
According to statistics New Zealand, half of all marriages end in divorce. Is this proof that a piece of paper means forever. I wouldn't think so. A piece of paper will not stop your man from checking out other woman, flirting or even cheating. If you are already dealing with trust and jealousy issues in your relationship, then you need to work it out NOW.
5. You are not riding the same wave
You want kids, he doesn't. Maybe he wants kids and you don't. You like to spend all your extra cash on fabulous clothes, he likes to save for a rainy day. You have always dreamed of a luxury beach holiday in Tahiti, yet neither leaving the country or a beach holiday is on his wishlist. He likes to be active on his days off, you like to couch surf with a bottle of wine.
Hear me out. A great marriage does not in any way mean being on the same wave length about every little thing, and from my experience one of the key factors to a successful marriage is having your own separate interests and hobbies. BUT when it comes to kids, money, health and travel you might need a little common ground. Compromise is always key (it's ok to have a more fabulous wardrobe than your man) but these four factors are huge when it comes to making a marriage work.
If you don't already know how your partner feels about all four, now is the time to ask. If you do, and it has already caused tantrums or tears, then maybe marriage is not the solution.
The niggle. Don't ignore it. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. If the person you are about to marry doesn't bring out the best in you, and you don't bring out the best in them, then do the right thing.
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Marriage is not all unicorns and candyfloss.
It takes honesty, understanding and ongoing compromise. People change, life happens and sometimes even after you gave it your all, staying together is not the solution. But, if you have not even started on this journey we call marriage then now is the time to think about what you want, what he wants, and if this is what you want together.
Admitting you have doubts does not make you weak. It makes you in tune with your head and you heart. And now is the time to listen to both.
Have you ever called off an engagement? How did you feel and what was it that made you do it? Did you have doubts but managed to get through what was causing them? I would love to hear your thoughts and advice. xox Originally posted 18th November 2013 (reposted for all the new readers!)
Founder and editor of P&L. Self-proclaimed shoe guru and lover of bogan chic (wtf!) Wife of a butcher, mother of 7 dogs and a cat. Bonkers.
