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Happy New Year everyone! I can't believe yet another year has passed and as I sit here, at 6am, on the very first day of the new year, I can't help being hit by waves upon waves of reflection.We had a wonderful Christmas this year, thank heavens it was good. We haven't actually spent many Christmases as a family - before Kasey came along, some years it would be Ally and her dad, sometimes it was just Ally and me. So this was actually the first Christmas we've had as a whole family and it was just quiet and nice - just what it was supposed to be.
We did take the kiddos out to the Hunter Valley Gardens for the annual Christmas Lighting display. It was last minute decision on Boxing Day and we were glad we did... because we got to watch the {not-so} baby bust a move or two on the dance floor. {At one point, she got so overwhelmed by excitement, she may or may not have tried to put her face to the floor to bravely attempt one of them headstand hip hop moves}.
This blog has not been bustling with as much activity from my end of late, as you would notice. I do have a couple of giveaways here and there and I always think why not? If a brand asks me, I think it's great if a reader or two can win and enjoy something.
I have lost my sense of direction with this blog, I have to say. I started this blog plainly because I was extremely bored and struggling with being a stay home mom. Kasey was less than a year old and we had just moved to the country, with no family and friends; I was struggling. Still am struggling.
Creating this blog was the perfect escapade. I never mean to create a helping manual to help others, as with many other blogs that aim to help people with parenting tips or beauty tips and the like. No way, I needed help, company, friendship - solely the reasons I started blogging.
It was the perfect escape. I felt free to write whatever I wanted to write and the person most entertained by it all was simply - me. It was cathartic, it was free, I was also happy writing and just blabbering on about beauty stuff that I like to tell my husband about {to his utter dismay and disinterest}. This blog served the purpose for me.
However, along the way, some friends found this blog... some relatives founds this blog... and then, it started to not be as fun anymore. As you know, I do share my personal life on here - my struggles, parenting stories, MIL troubles and the lot.
I find myself having to censor myself all the time now. I am extremely restrained and I have dozens of personal posts sitting in my drafts folder that I would have been rather happy to publish in the past. Now, it's what A, or B, or C would think and react. I wouldn't have thought I was going to be criticised on my parenting or why I wrote this or why I phrased that that way.
I wouldn't have realised things I wrote would invite an avalanche {ok, exaggeration} of advice, opinions, evaluation that were unasked for. Probably in the best of interests, I give that, but this wasn't why I started this blog for. It was freedom, it was an escape... not more emails and people and opinions to answer to.
So now, I struggle to write. I can't write when I feel so judged, like my every word would be so keenly scrutinized. And it makes me think I am silly to begin with. This is the inter-webs y'all, anyone finds anything they want here. Maybe I should have thought about all these to begin with and just not shared the personal bits and pieces.
Well, whoa, it's the New Year and I do apologize I wasn't able to offer a more uplifting, optimistic post. If anything, this would be my new year's resolution {anybody still make them things these days?} : Learn to be happy.
I have learned that I am an extremely sensitive person. At the best of times, I am very sensitive to other people's emotions and moods. At the worst, I am so sensitive to things and people... I'm actually not sure I know how to be happy. Generally jovial and bubbly, I can do easily and naturally. But truly, intrinsically happy. I'm not sure I know how. Is there a manual for that? Is it something that is actually attainable, anybody please let me know?
So on this New Year's day, I'm calling it what it is. I lost it with this blog. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going. I'm still going to hang around here {not giving up on my little escapade as yet} though I will need some time to gather my marbles a little. Yes, my marbles, I think I did lose them. Kind of.
Happy New Year everyone. I hope this new year will bring a lot of joy and blessings for you x
