Diary #295

One year.  That’s all it’s been since I wrote this, and the amount my life has changed since then is almost unfathomable.  My nervous system has never been one that could handle sudden shifts very well; perhaps it’s related to my vertigo, but the more rapid and dramatic a change, the less likely I am to be able to handle it well.  Take modern television, for example; on the rare occasion I see it (such as at my nail parlor or friends’ houses) I have to close my eyes or look away when commercials come on, because all the flashing and shifting images make me nervous and give me a headache.  Even the pacing of the shows seems much too fast for me.  And though reality isn’t usually as choppy as the cutting of a TV show, I’ve been through so many relatively-abrupt changes and adjustments in almost every aspect of my life that it often seems unreal, dreamlike and disconnected from my previous existence.  For example, less than two years ago, my readers were surprised when I actually showed a full-face picture on the blog for the first time; now a Google image search on my name will turn up many such pictures, and even non-readers sometimes recognize me from television.  Given that I’m now working on a documentary about sex worker rights (of which I will be the hostess/narrator), and otherwise doing a lot of public events and the like, even more people will know my face soon.  That increasing “outness” is only one way in which things have changed for me; it might be easier to count the ways in which my life is the same as it was two years ago, instead of the ways it’s different.  And as it shows little sign of slowing down any time soon, I’m just trying to hold on and enjoy the ride.